CRYING, gurgling and squealing are just three of the goals that define the Government's National Curriculum for babies.

Smiling with pleasure at toys, anticipating meal times, responding to words and being aware some actions can harm others are also on the check list that will undoubtedly strike terror into parents whose offspring don't conform.

We all know children develop at different rates. I remember a little boy I grew up with who was nicknamed yah boy' as that was virtually all he could say before the age of five.

He turned out fine. Still a man of few words, he runs his own, very successful business and earns about 50 times more than me.

Of course it's true, children do have a lot to learn.

But so do adults. Their behaviour often leaves a lot to be desired.

If there were a National Curriculum for grown-ups, this is how it would read: l 18 to 25 years: Learn to function 24/7 with a mobile phone in your hand. Learn to communicate with peer group, with frequent use of expressions like 'somefink', ' 'minging' and 'sorted', as well as using well-known expressions from Little Britain and The Office. Smile with pleasure when offered a vast array of mortgages, store cards, and other means of credit by a variety of lenders, and grin even more broadly after signing up for many of them.

l 30 to 35 years: Begin to show emotions such as anxiety when faced with mounting debts. Show a sudden interest in biological clocks and sperm counts.

l 36 to 40 years: Demonstrate 'you're only as young as you feel' by continuing to wear tight stone-washed jeans, short skirts and crop tops (women).

l 41 to 45 years: Enjoy watching quiz shows on TV and shouting out the answers. Make attempts to recapture your youth by, for example, buying a powerful motorbike (men) or starting an affair with an old girlfriend or boyfriend you tracked down on Friends Reunited.

l 46 to 50 years: Start to understand medical terms like hot flushes and HRT (women) and enjoy discussing these with others. Discover the joys of compost, tomato plants and other aspects of gardening.

l 51 to 60 years: Begin to show an interest in activities such as line dancing and aqua-aerobics. Respond in a loud voice to phrases like 'pension shortfall' and 'work until you're 90'.

l 60+years: Demonstrate an ability to master powerful 4-wheel drives or giant saloon cars that cost a fortune to run, and enjoy moaning about the price of petrol.