Rev Logan, has this week submitted a column by michael mouse, convenor of blackburn diocesan church mice union!

mr. logan, him wot does this column, is on a birthday binge. My church mice brethren could tell you thing or two of wot vicars get up to when defrocked.

didnt appen in my day.

incidentally, I cant do capitals and apostrophes, cos my tail cant manage the shift key on this old typewriter in the church bowels, and these new-fangled computers, well... and this is precisely the point, brethren.

these so-called christians are making life ell for us church mice. used to be peaceful-like. quiet as a, er. well wot evers quiet. now its all change. once it were a couple of hours a week. now its 24/7... luncheon clubs, prayer meetings, toddler groups, community network groups, bible study. churches are coming alive, an' it's killin us.

theyve changed our homes without as much as a by-your-leave. modernised em. blocked up our oles and passages. ow are we to survive cant type question marks either.

even worships lost its dead dull drones. keyboards, clapping and jolly christians mean we cant get a wink. should ave asbos slapped on the lot of em.

we urge our domesticated brethren who read this venerable paper to rise up. unite to tell these unchristian christians to return to their old drones.

at this rate theyre going to be attracting even more of their kind, then thatll be curtains for us mice.