I normally know what I'm doing and where I'm going.Okay, I get lost from time to time but the general plan is in my brain somewhere.

I understand that there are certain things that can be said and that there are other things I must not say in case I offend someone.

We are after all living in a pretty polite society. Well, it is from where I'm sitting anyway.

However, after many years I have still to figure out one thing about etiquette.

In particular about the question of whether we take our shoes off or leave them on when we visit someone?

We need rules and we need them now.

Some sort of general guidelines would help poor souls like myself who constantly embarrass themselves on a daily basis.

It is no longer as simple as it used to be. I went to a house and I took the shoes off and it was as simple as that.

If I didn't everyone looked at me funny as if to say: "Take your shoes off in my house, son. You're not at school now you know."

Nowadays it is cooler to leave the shoes on. People don't care any more.

It's all about being modern and fitting in with the neighbours.

Nobody has that plastic sheet in the hallway any more and the B&Q shoe rack is always empty.

In my house they all took their shoes off but then I got married and the rules changed.

You took your shoes off but only if you were coming to eat.

The rest of the time it was a no-holds barred, free for all with every man, woman and child for himself.

Sometimes you would take the shoes off and then wished you hadn't when you looked at the state of the person's carpet ("Hey, what the hell are we taking our shoes off for? this guy's dirtier than us!") What is one to do if the host insists you keep your shoes on because you are a guest and then when you've sat down you realise this person is super clean and the beige carpet is brand new? Hang your head in shame, that's what!

Sometimes the host even makes you take your shoes off then leaves his own shoes on.

Strange but complex issues require answers but no-one is prepared to put their money where their mouth is and conduct some proper research.

And is it really necessary for some gentlemen to not only take their shoes off but also their socks? You'll want to shower next.

On top of all that they had to go and invent the laminate flooring. What are we to do?

Laminate flooring isn't going to get dirty. That's why it's laminate flooring.

The confusion never ends.