SUPERMARKET shopping is like hell on earth at this time of year.

No matter what time of day or night you go, you can guarantee the queue for the checkout will be six-deep and every person in front of you will be pushing a huge minibus-on-wheels filled with bottles of Coke, tins of Roses and cheese straws.

So this week I decided to give self-scanning a go.

I’d always avoided it before, feeling guilty about putting someone out of a job.

But waiting 20 minutes to buy a sandwich and a packet of crisps is just ridiculous, so I joined the line of people with baskets waiting to “play shop” and do their own scanning.

Sadly, my experience was not a happy one — and I’ve come to the conclusion that certain people should be banned from the self-scaning aisle.

Supermarket bosses should hang up a sign similar to those in swimming baths warning you against dive-bombing and petting.

The list of banned individuals would include (but not be limited to) old people, people with trolleys (even if it’s one of those small ones), young people, slow people, those without 20-20 vision, people with fat fingers, ditherers and drunks.

In short, unless you’re fighting fit mentally and physically, in the prime of your life, you’re likely to take too long and the people in the queue behind you will be seething with hatred for you.

It could be like a driving test. Only people who have been through an intensive training course and passed a practical test at the end would be given a special certificate to say they can use the self-scanners.

I’m not saying I am in the elite group of those who should be allowed to self-scan. I’m rubbish at it too.

But the machines don’t make life easy for you, do they?

My parents own a shop and I’ve had a go on their barcode scanners before and I’m sure these ones are somehow de-sensitised so you have to hover the item over them for 30 seconds before they beep.

And once you’ve scanned the thing then you’re onto the next trauma — the bagging.

It’s like Dante’s seven circles of hell.

“Unexpected item in the bagging area!” Screams the machine for no apparent reason.

My main problem with this is the accusatory tone it seems to use.

It feels like the machine is yelling out to the staff member who’s always hovering about monitoring four machines that you’re trying to put an iPod through as “loose mushrooms”.

What will it do if you ignore it? Put on a flashing light and lower barriers on all the exits?

I think supermarkets should get rid of these machines.

By the time you’ve faffed around you don’t end up getting served any quicker than if you’d queued and the staff they need to monitor the CCTV cameras might as well just be on the checkouts.

If they really want to save money they should poach the checkout workers in Aldi. They are the fastest scanners I’ve ever seen.

It’s literally blip-blip-blip-blip-blip-blip. That’ll be £8.97 please. Thank you. Bye.