IT is a long time since I went to a Christmas party – ten years to be exact.

In the days when everyone was normal, there was no amount of things you could get away with.

The Christmas party was the best thing ever.

But as soon as they started asking me if bacon sarnies were offensive, and should they ban Slade, I kind of lost the will to attend any.

It is not as if I do not want to get involved in the Christmas spirit, but a party kind of throws up all sorts of strange questions, some of which I simply find difficut to answer.

For instance, we all have people we know who love to drink.

My particular friend didn’t do it to ‘fit in’, he just liked to get a little tipsy every now and then.

And the Christmas party was a great excuse to show everyone how British he was.

Funnily enough, most people were like me and thought I was more British than him.

However, his antics would always cause people to ask me the million- dollar question.

“So how come Jay drinks and you don’t?’ Is he a different kind of Muslim than you?’ Hmmm...I didn’t know what to say.

And, contrary to popular opinion, I actually find it difficult to strike up a conversation with anyone and everyone.

Sometimes (most times in my case) I have nothing of any importance to say, and that which needs to be said is written in a local newspaper on a Friday.

Above all, I can envisage sitting in the corner sipping that one orange juice as if my life depended on it.

I am sure there are a fair few people who don’t drink and go through the same experience and I’m not here to tar everyone with the same brush.

And there is the issue of the round. I have never understood what the round was until I went on a pub crawl.

In my case my pint of cola lasted six hours. In comparison, those vodka shots lasted twenty seconds and cost twice as much. I was on a losing streak the moment I stepped into the place.

Oh I’m not here to knock the great Christmas party because of these minor reasons.

But seeing as today many of you will be heading out to some sort of Christmas ‘do’, I think we all spare a thought for the group stuck in the orange juice sections.