POOR old Caster Semenya is having to wait weeks to find out whether she’s a real woman or not.

The women’s 800m world champion was ordered to undergo a “sexual verification test” after suspicions were raised by her, ahem — let’s call it “androgynous” — appearance, and deep voice.

Apparently finding out whether someone is a man or woman isnit as easy as having a quick peek down their pants as we all thought.

Instead scientists have had to conduct all sorts of tests on her, and it’s such a complicated issue we’re going to have to wait weeks for the results.

I reckon they ought to save themselves a lot of time and hassle, and just ask her a few simple questions that could determine whether she’s a woman or not in five minutes flat.

Question one: What's your ambient temperature?

a) Just a couple of degrees below hell. In fact it’s a bit cold in here now – can you turn the heating up?

b) 21 degrees celsius.

c) Whatever, as long as we don’t have to put the heating on until December. Do you know how much our last gas bill cost?

Question two: After a few too many beers you can be found...

a) Sitting on a kerb outside the bar, with one shoe on, crying because you have no idea where your handbag is.

b) Asleep.

c) Trying to find somewhere that will sell you more beers, or in a kebab shop ordering something, anything, with garlic and hot chilli sauce.

Question three: What's in the bottom of your wardrobe?

a) A new dress that cost more than your monthly wage, still in the carrier bag, hidden from your boyfriend.

b) Shoes.

c) A pair of smelly football boots, a Subbuteo kit from when you were a kid, and probably mice.

Question four: When is the last time you cried?

a) Yesterday... but that new gravy advert really is quite sad you know.

b) When something sad happened.

c) When my football team lost a big match.

Question five: Complete this sentence. Scented candles are...

a) bliss. A necessity to create a romantic atmosphere, and are particularly relaxing to have when taking a bath.

b) too expensive c) for birthday cakes and when there's a blackout.

If you answered mostly (a)s Well Done! You are a woman.

If you answered mostly (c)s Commiserations, you are a man.

If you answered mostly (b)s you are... beats me. A tomboy? A ladyboy? Normal? Abnormal? Who knows?

Just don’t try entering the 800m women’s event any time soon.