I AM fed up with my name. Helen Mead': after all these years it has started to look boring.

Look at the top of this column - see how dull and uninspiring the letters look. They don't jump out and scream at you in the way that some names do: Britney Spears, Madonna, Angelina Jolie - they've got a bit of a ring to them, a sense of excitement and sex appeal.

I am so sick and tired of Helen Mead' that I have decided to hire a team of people and pay them a lot of money to help me change it.

The reason I needed to pay for this service is because I'm not looking for another name as such - I'd prefer a logo. Logos are neater, and far more eye-catching. But these little blobs, dots and squiggles are so hard to think up that you need the help of professionals.

I'm particularly impressed by the mish-mash of shapes that make up the 2012 London Olympics logo, that only took a year to think up and came at a very reasonable £500,000.

I wouldn't mind a wonky, purple H' with serrated edges, and a yellow M - or maybe it would be better to steer clear of yellow or I might find McDonald's legal team breathing down my neck.

People are very protective of their logos - and I can see why, considering how much they set you back.

Morrisons recently changed its logo from yellow and black to yellow and green, but refused to say how much they splashed out.

Firms make a great song and dance over new logos that have taken crowds of people bags of time to think up. Many of these so-called creative masterpieces turn out to be virtually the same as the logo they have replaced, with a dot or stripe added. No wonder we despair.

It is perhaps unfair to believe that the job of designing a logo is easy. But it is tempting to think that, especially if you've got kids and you're in the habit of passing them a couple of crayons and a piece of paper.

I certainly wish someone would hand me a massive wad of cash for coming up with a company symbol. I'm not fussy about the product - whether it be sanitary protection, compost, or London Fashion Week.

In fact, if I have a couple of mates over and open a bottle or two of sauvignon blanc, I reckon we could come up with one-logo-fits-all product that could also be applied to the London Olympics.

Of course, among all the uninspiring designs there are logos that are genuinely clever and would be worth forking out a few quid.

The British Rail design, which as a child I used to unsuccessfully try and copy, is brilliant. And the London Underground logo has stood the test of time.

I'm struggling to think of any others.

So, back to my own name. Because I'm untidy, I've chosen a big, scrawly H', like the huge, scrawly J' on the Any Dream Will Do' TV show. And a tiny m' with an orange dot above it, to signify my red hair. In the end, I couldn't afford the professionals - thankfully my friend's toddler thought it up in less than ten minutes.