Today I should be decorating the cake. I should be laying marzipan, piping icing sugar, cutting ribbons, and using stencils to make my Christmas cake look perfect.

That’s what I should be doing as we countdown to the big day.

I can’t remember in which magazine the pullout poster offering me the key to a stress-free Christmas arrived, but it certainly made me feel inadequate.

Let me give you an example - I can’t fulfil today’s task because I haven’t baked the cake I’m supposed to be decorating.

That was meant to have taken place on December 1, when I should have ensured that the cake cooked evenly by wrapping the outer edges of the tin with four layers of brown paper tied with string. That’s what I should have done, but didn’t.

On December 5, I should have used any dried fruit left over from baking to prepare chutney, and on the sixth, I should have got ahead with the trimmings, par-boiled and frozen root vegetables, made and frozen mince pies. Sorry, no can do - I’m not Mary Berry.

The ninth should have seen me checking decorations and the tenth putting up and decorating the tree. Yet, by that date, other than buy a few gifts, I still hadn’t done anything remotely festive.

Every year we get swamped by articles in glossy magazine showing us how to do Christmas. Are people really this organised, and where are these people who can devote every day to it? Very rich housewives living in the Home Counties, with too much time on their hands, I suspect.

The 13th should have seen me making DIY decorations - a suggestion involves thinly slicing oranges, lemons and lines, baking them and threading the dried fruit to make a garland. Sadly, my life doesn’t allow for entire afternoons making twee creations to outdo Kirsty Allsop, and I doubt many other could find the time or the inclination either.

Bizarrely, advice recommends that on December 21, the host sets the table. This obviously assumes that there is another table in the house at which the family can regroup for meals. Personally I believe this is a bit early - think of all the dust that could accumulate before the big day. Guests could be confronted with a Miss Haversham-like scenario.

There are so many things that I should have done - visit my local cheese counter, make edible gifts, wrap my presents - that I feel like abandoning Christmas and heading for the hills.

There is far too much pressure on us. I’m a ‘last-minute-muddle-through Christmas’ person and proud of it. There are lots of us out there - we should stand up for ourselves and speak out.