Do four fruit trees equal an orchard? If so then I haven’t completely failed in life. Having a small orchard in the garden is one of 50 signs that you’ve made it, according to a survey.

The list, compiled after interviews with 2,000 people, makes for depressing reading. At least it does to me. I could tick only three boxes, having a small orchard being one.

The others – shopping at Waitrose (occasionally, and only for the free newspaper) and having 400-thread-count sheets (I’ve got one, bought years ago in The White Company sale) – aren’t anything to shout about compared to the other stuff on the checklist.

Holiday homes, annual ski trips, owning an Aga, having an orangery, flying first class and enjoying sailing weekends are all indications that you have made it.

My life is as far removed from that as it could possibly be. In fact I think I led a more comfortable existence as a student than I do now.

I’ll be 54 next birthday and from these indicators I’m nowhere near making it. I haven’t even got a home gym or a wine cellar. Nor do I have a golf handicap of under 15, although I stormed the crazy golf course in Filey last summer, with what I believe was a world-beating score. I was, until fairly recently, a member of a tennis club, which is among the 50 indicators, but haven’t time to play at the moment. Tennis is the one thing in which I wish I’d been able to ‘make it’. After doing well in local and regional competitions as a teenager I dreamed that I might – but out in the big wide world of talent I hadn’t a chance.

Some of the indicators of success make me question whether I really want to make it. Who would want a TV in every room? You don’t see members of the aristocracy with ugly wide screens littering their country mansions. And no amount of money would persuade me to buy a personal number plate or hot tub, or send my children to private school.

Of course the survey, by a home improvements company, is simplistic. A fifth of people feel pressure to ‘make it’ in life – thankfully, the majority of us don’t. Making it must surely boil down to whether you are happy with your lot.

I’d feel I’d made it if I was mortgage-free, with a cosy country cottage and a few animals. I wouldn’t mind a flat in London on top, just a small place – I’ll forfeit the orangery – in Hampstead, not Knightsbridge or Belgravia.

Maybe I’ll get there in retirement.