The Truth Behind Arranged Marriages

Five young Asians told us how they are adopting the tradition of arranged marriages to suit their modern needs. By Angela Singh.

When a new Asian character appears on your favourite soap or film you can bet the issue of arranged marriage is on the horizon. There was East is East, where each child was forced to have an arranged marriage, Coronation Street, where Sunita fled to Weatherfield to escape hers, and Bend it like Beckham where the lead character wasnt allowed to play football or date outside her race.

Although there is a strong stigma attached to Asians and their tradition of arranged marriages, the media stereotypes do not always hold true in this day and age. Arranged marriages always appear forced and against the child's wishes when in fact there often is a choice. Theres been a shift away from the old trend of arranged marriages where everything was set up and you had no choice, says Nasser Hanif, a journalist with BBCs Asian Network. Furthermore young British Asian, Salina Arora, firmly believes, "There are still many modern British Asians who actively seek to find a balance between their culture and modern life"

So with this in mind Asian Image delves into this age old tradition. We find out why five modern Asian people want or have had an arranged marriage and why they still choose to embrace this tradition.

Jas, 22 an optometry student from Manchester wants an assisted marriage.

"Marriage isnt on the top of my list at the moment, but I think it will be virtually impossible to meet someone myself as I'm quite shy and busy studying. An assisted marriage, as arranged marriages are known nowadays, would be a great way to meet someone from a similar cultural background who my parents would approve of.

Basically, they would do the research into the family and if they like them theyd exchange photos. It would be up to me to decide if I like the guy and if I want to meet him. After the first date you are free to choose if you want to meet again. Although my parents would arrange the initial meeting, I dont feel much pressure from them as they prefer me to keep both doors open. If I was to meet someone myself then that would be fine but this way I have the back up. There is no pressure as when I meet the guy it is totally up to me.

It would also help as I would prefer to marry a Sikh. My religion isn't my whole life but it is a big part of it. I would want my partner to share in that. There are also fewer divorces with assisted marriages than love marriages.

I don't really believe in all this love at first sight crap and rather than falling in love before, you can fall in love gradually. My parents had an arranged marriage and they were dead against it at first, but once they met they quickly changed their minds and you can see that over the years they have grown much more affectionate towards one another. I have not met anyone yet though a few photos have been sent to me so far. I personally prefer to listen to what people say. I want someone who is intelligent with a good sense of humour."

Anu, 27, a pilot from India is studying International PR. She had an arranged marriage.

"I went to the USA in 2002 to study, and my parents had set up a meeting with this guy with the potential of an arranged marriage. He belonged to a family that we had known for a long time but I had never seen him before.

When I finally met him, I kept thinking, I might be getting married to this guy, so I was intimidated. But my husband, Rahul, was very casual and we talked about things other than marriage. The second time we met we got engaged, that was in January 2002 and we married in July of that same year. At the time, it wasn't something I wanted to do as I was studying and I wanted to get a job, but I suppose it was meant to happen.

In India, marriage is based on other things besides knowing the guy, we match horoscopes and there are nominations that yes, this marriage will work as well as many rituals. I really believe in them as they tie you together so much that you think this guy is for you and you start to feel it by the time you are married. I was very nervous and scared to begin with as we live in a protective environment and suddenly this man becomes your everything and you don't even know him.

But I do believe marriage changes a lot of things, you dont just get married, you enter into a different family and become part of different entity altogether. My parents never pressurised me for an arranged marriage but they had their conditions if I found a guy (the caste), so why get involved with a guy your parents will never approve of? This was a life changing decision, so I trusted their instincts. I am going to join Rahul in December; I have been waiting for this day and I miss him a lot. I am certain things will work out, it may sound like a fairy tale, but I have experienced it."

Peter, 24, from Preston, is a trainee bank manager. He had an arranged marriage this year.

"When I was 18, I was seeing this English girl and it ended up causing conflict between me and my parents. I was caught up in the euphoria of love and I was blind to everyone else's opinion. I was a really big lad when I was younger and I was insecure about my weight so when this girl took an interest I gripped onto it.

She had been unfaithful to me but I would always take her back because of my insecurity. As I lost weight, people started taking an interest in me and she didnt like this. There were also family differences as my parents would sometimes speak in Punjabi and she thought they would be talking about her. My family always came first and she couldnt understand this. In the end we broke up as we both wanted different things and it was important for me to marry a Hindu Punjabi.

After that Mum and Dad thought I should have an arranged marriage and my grandparents in India knew some people. Initially I dismissed it as I thought I could find someone on my own, but when I saw the picture, I found her attractive. My parents said well go to India and I trusted them to know they would have done the research.

In January, we went across and I met her on the same day, it was so nerve wracking. We went to their house; I just sat there until she came in. We went to her bedroom to talk after establishing the formalities, we chatted non-stop for a couple of hours there was a definite spark between us. Afterwards they asked what I thought of her so there was a lot of pressure.

My parents always said that I could say no if I wanted. But after the second meeting there was real chemistry and I followed my instincts, and we decided to get engaged.

The priest decided the day, so nine days after we got engaged, we got married. During the nine days we went to the pictures and got to know each other better. Then on January 26 we got married and I stayed for another seven days.

She's coming to England on the May 31 and I am so excited. Its been four months since I have seen her but I phone her twice a day. Although I was scared about marrying a stranger, we arent strangers anymore. It is going to be incredibly nerve-wracking for her as shes leaving her family behind to make a new life so there is a lot of pressure on me.

Obviously we dont know each other inside out but I think it will work as we have a strong relationship over the phone. We're both jokey people and the love is already there. You have to enter this kind of situation with an open mind. I think we will be happy and I have my family to thank for that."

Ashok, 29, from Nottingham is the brains behind Asian Speed D8 -www.asianspeeddate.com. He also runs his own Stress Management Consultancy in Harlow.

"I got into speed dating as I thought Asians were finding it difficult to meet others. Normally they would to rely on their family to introduce them to someone, but in the case of speed dating they are taking the situation into their own hands. At the time speed dating was doing well, so I thought why not set this thing up for them. In this culture there is a lot of pressure to meet someone of the same religion and get married we please the parents as well as the children.

If you want to meet another Hindu then we provide that opportunity as with Muslims and Sikhs. I think a lot of people marry out of religion due to society, culture and parental pressure and there is a certain degree of pressure from the Asian society.

This isn't an introduced marriage, it is just dating really and the point is to date rather than get married. We have experienced a few success stories with people getting married after meeting at our events and I have met someone too. "She turned up late and couldnt date so I chatted to her instead and weve been seeing each other for about a year.

I would personally choose to marry within my culture as I think it is a lot easier if you have certain things in common. I would want to marry someone who is Indian/Hindu as they would understand everything from the religion to the culture, to the food to the language. Nowadays, marriages are not arranged so much as assisted. Your parents introduce you, then you choose who you want to be with there's a wider spectrum. On one end there is pure arranged marriage and on the other is speed dating. I cant see any drawbacks to speed dating. You meet 30 compatible people from your religion in one evening. The only disadvantage is if you like someone, it's not long enough."

Aziza, 30, from Blackburn had an arranged marriage 10 years ago. She is still married and has two children.

"I always had an idea I was going to have an arranged marriage. It was part of my culture. It was taboo to talk about boys and out of the question to have a boyfriend, that was the mentality. Although my parents were liberal there was still the Asian community to think of so to bring a male friend home was unheard of.

I did want an arranged marriage as that was the culture and I didnt know any different. It was also important for me to marry a Muslim, I'm not a religious fanatic but I do love my faith.

I was 18 when I met my husband to be and he was the first person I was introduced to. I was quite mature for my age and I embraced this type of marriage as my siblings had had them. My parents basically showed me a photo, I liked what I saw, then we were introduced. We didnt go out on dates as such but we met up and we got talking. It was more the personality that attracted me to him.

At the time my husband had come over from India, so we saw each other every day and would look for a house so I got to know him well. When we married I had known him for 18 months. Its not been bed of roses but you have to work at your marriage. When he came over he wasn't fluent in English and vice versa so it was frustrating.

I do wonder what it would have been like not to have had an arranged marriage. But I was one of the lucky ones and we now have two kids. When they grow up I will accept if my girl brings someone home as time moves on so does your thinking. A lot of my friends have said how can you marry someone you dont know and love but I got to know him first and love came after.

I don't have any regrets. Had I gone out with someone else, I may have received chocolates and flowers but we've grown to love each other and he's made up for any initial lack of romance."