I had thought it was okay to have fish, chips and curry sauce until I was told you have to check the curry sauce to see if it's halal.

The fish was okay as long it was wasn't cooked in the same oil as the sausages which I ate by mistake at school because I was hungry. The other kids laughed at me and thought I was an unbeliever. I wasn't! I didn't know anything about the sausage. I thought it was a deep fried carrot.

'Are you stupid?' a friend asked.

'You want an answer to that.' I replied.

Having matured a tad bit I was offered barbeque flavoured crisps. I didnt eat them because I wasnt stupid and I knew barbecue has to be haram.

Even if it wasnt - it sounded haram.

But then they said it was only the flavouring and I could eat them if I wanted and chicken flavoured ones too.

'Just stay away from bacon-flavoured crisps and wine gums' she screamed- they are definitely haram.

A little while later I came across the potato pie. That confused the **** out of me. There was no way in hell I was eating that so I settled for a meat and potato pie. Because I was told it had no meat in it. Cheese and onion Pie came under scrutiny because you couldnt tell if they had any animal fat in the pastry.

It makes sense.

Years passed by and I went off to live in another town away from all those who showed me the way and came across some salmon. Rather than risk it I never took a bite but another brother did.

I looked at him and he looked at me. Maybe they had different laws down south. You can never tell with these 'modern Asians'.

Then to the kebab shop I wandered I did. It made some delicious donners and I filled my belly till I could see my feet no more.

I loved those donners. So succulent, so tasty and so cheap. Then one day they told me that a particular shop sold haram meat. How? Because they knew a guy who knew a guy who worked there once.

I didnt know. Honest I didn't.

If I had known Id have only had the chicken for sure.

And so as I went through life with the knowledge I had acquired and sauntered into my meat shop to buy some Chooza (chicken). It was halal they said. It was always halal and had been for years. But not with these new owners I was told.

They didn't get it from where the other people got it. 'Why do you think they are so cheap?'

they said.

The whispers and madness were getting to me.

Eventually having aged significantly I returned from whence I came.

'Do you want gravy on your chips love?'