JANUARY: Superbowl XXX is vaguely interesting. Michael Jordan, tired of his basketball comeback following a brief flirtation with the world of baseball, rushes for five yards to touchdown in the first three minutes. For the remaining hour or so the Arizona crowd at the Sun Devil Stadium marvel at modern helmet technology as hunky beefcakes run into each other and grunt.

FEBRUARY: Sensation at the England clash with Wales at Twickenham in the Five Nations Championships. Erica Roe attempts to relive former glories but is tackled head-on by a jealous Princess of Wales before she can scrummage within kicking distance of the England backs.

MARCH: Angus Fraser is the unlikely hero of cricket's world cup final in Lahore. This fine physical specimen passes a last minute fitness test of two squat thrusts and later successfully measures out his run-up before collapsing with heat exhaustion. But Fraser's heroics cannot prevent Holland taking the title, Ruud Gullit snatching seven wickets in a devastating spell of hostile pace bowling.

APRIL: The Boat Race erupts in mayhem as the Ealing Polytechnic crew join the race uninvited as Oxford and Cambridge row under Putney Bridge. However, they can only afford six oars and Varsity domination of this great event is maintained.

MAY: Nottingham Forest bring glory to British soccer in the final of the UEFA Cup, trouncing AC Milan 4-0 in the first leg. The dreaded dreadlocked Jason Lee scores three with Andrei Silenzi capping a stunning performance with a miraculous scissor kick. Alfe Inge Haaland is made man of the match of the second leg for a cleverly crafted throw-in. JUNE: England start their Euro 96 campaign with a disappointing 0-0 draw against Switzerland. Graham Kelly seizes the FA initiative, sacking Terry Venables and swiftly reinstating Graham Taylor. Former Rovers star Mark Atkins lifts the prestigious trophy after a sudden death strike in the final against Scotland.

JULY: Ben Johnson carries the Olympic torch as the games are opened in Atlanta. He goes on to win five gold medals in weightlifting, shot putt, hammer, boxing and bowls. The bowls medal is later taken off him after traces of banned substances were found in his pipe.

AUGUST: A new ball tampering row blows up during the Second Cornhill Test between England and Pakistan at Headingly. Sky Sports are ordered to remove their camera from the seam as Angus Fraser is finding the ball too heavy to bowl.

SEPTEMBER: The Stones Bitter Super League World Club Championship final is a dazzling success. People travel from as far afield as Wigan and St Helens to watch a truly global spectacle. Wigan beat St Helens convincingly to win the inaugural title. OCTOBER: Nick Faldo announces his availability for the Alfred Dunhill Cup tournament on the Old Course at St Andrews for the first time in a number of years. Howard Clark, Mark James and David Gilford are delighted with their new caddy.

NOVEMBER: Frank Bruno and Mike Tyson cannot agree on a date for their eagerly awaited rematch. Tyson has been released from hospital ahead of schedule following his dreadful mauling in March but Bruno is double booked as Widow Twanky at the Stockport Opera House.

DECEMBER: Eric Cantona joins Jonathan Edwards at a secret high altitude triple jump training camp. Cantona has been forced to retire from football with a terrible fist injury. Edwards reveals that Cantona's hopping and skipping are fine, but that he has trouble with the final leap which tends to veer away from the sandpit and towards spectators.

HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.