A NEWS item caught my attention the other day in the The Daily Telegraph.

Apparently a man wielding a knife attempted to rob a store in Barnsley, Yorkshire, threatening the proprietor and his son in the process. In so doing he committed the worst mistake since King Alfred chose to give the cakes another five minutes and King Harold checked the position of the sun just as a zillion arrows descended upon his army from the invading Normans.

The store owner was large; 6ft and 17st. He objected thoroughly to being robbed so, horror of horrors, he fought back. Not only that (and I can already hear the cheers ringing out) he gave his assailant a thorough tanking, as they say on the other side of the Pennines.

The knifeman did what any other self-respecting criminal does these days: checked himself into the casualty department of the nearest hospital and screamed 'foul' at the top of his voice.

The police, faced with the evidence of his injuries, which included a fractured skull, crushed ribs, and a broken arm and fingers, promptly arrested the shop keeper. He could face up to five years in jail. No charges have as yet been preferred against the knife-wielding thug.

Now, I have said previously in this column that, in my opinion, the world has gone totally mad. If anyone doubts that, maybe this latest example will confirm membership of my club: the world-weary, super cynics.

The lesson for us all is clear: if someone attempts to rob us, we should immediately hand over all our possessions, offer our assailant a cup of tea and a sandwich and ask him would there be anything else before he goes on his way? On no account must we make any attempt to defend ourselves or fight back when threatened or attacked.

Alternatively, we could all take a leaf from the latest criminal manual and turn thief, mugger, burglar ourselves then, when challenged or tackled, SUE. The legal aid system will only be too happy to help.

Small wonder that the decent, law-abiding, tax and bills-paying section of the community are in abject despair. Dictators throughout history have based their entire philosophy on a middle class backlash. I wonder how long it will be coming in this, the world's most tolerant society? Answers on a postcard to.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.