I AM delighted that the new Conservative prospective parliamentary candidate for Blackburn is fluent in six languages. Can she, I wonder, help me with Toryspeak?

I read it as "housing boom," but, apparently, it reads "negative equity."

And, blow me, "public utility" turns out to be "executive gravy train." Also "national defence" means "arms for our enemies."

And, finally, "democracy" translates as "quango."

By the way as the good lady is running a London law practice (for "solicitor" read "embryo MP") I can work out that "commute" should read "epic journey."

And lastly, Geeta, if you think Blackburn is a "fabulous place," it is a great pity you did not see it before the Labour Council allowed all the fine buildings it used to have to be pulled down in the name of "progress and modernisation" which in Labour speak is "vandalise."

But, of course, you will have to resist the public outcry to see just what you have missed.

D PRATT (Mr), Plantation Street, Accrington.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.