SO now we know. The reason for all the oddball behaviour in homo sapiens during the past ten or so years is down to 'Mad Cow' disease.

Well that's a relief. I had long ago decided that other, more insidious influences like unemployment; the erosion of family values; lack of discipline in schools; fading respect for other people and their property; drugs; tabloid newspapers; TV violence; video nasties; the bed-hoppings of certain members of the Royal Family were at work

But no. It's all down to our intake of beef products, well British beef products. It would appear the rest of the world is determined to keep collective insanity safely locked up in these islands.

There's even talk in Brussels about putting a giant plug in the French end of the Channel Tunnel.

Seriously folks (yes, we have been doing comedy), there must be countless parents wringing their hands in despair when they recall the numerous trips their kids have made to burger joints. Mummy and daddy's little treats have a very hollow ring about them now.

McDonalds, being American, acted with commendable speed and banned British cattle products in their range of goodies. Sadly, it's a case of shutting the shippen door when the bovines have bolted!

The blame has to be laid squarely at the door of this government.

They have known for years that several influential voices among animal health experts were concerned about the link of BSE and Creutzfeld-Jacob Disease in humans, which is incurable and always fatal.

For whatever reason, possibly pandering to the farming lobby from which much of their support comes, they did too little, too late.

Mad Cow Disease was caused by feeding cattle, who are natural herbivores, slaughtered and recycled sheep, which were themselves infected. The cattle were then fed to humans.

Quite why cows were taken off pastureland and fed concentrated animal food is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps great chunks of that land were bought by property developers, which is poetic justice in one sense.

For if Mad Cow Disease proves as lethal as AIDS, which one Doomsday prophet has suggested, there soon will be no one left to occupy those houses.

Meanwhile in one corner of rural America, a team of government experts are going about the awesome task of dismantling the world's biggest stockpile of deadly nerve gas.

There's enough to kill every man, woman and child on this planet. Let's hope they've no butterfingers among the personnel.

Now, in the past , this column has been accused of being just a tad cynical; nihilistic even. Well, with the thought of a possible gas leak in mind, I shall henceforth dine on prime British beef steaks before enjoying nights of unbridled passion with Mrs Citizen Smith.

Might as well go happy.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.