"I HONESTLY thought we would be better off dead. I wanted to walk straight into the canal and take my children with me."

Mother-of-two Janet quietly sobbed as if her dark confession delivered in a broken whisper was too painful to share.

She had finally hit rock bottom after living a nightmare existence at the hands of an abusive and violent alcoholic husband for 12 years.

But she got help from a support group for families with alcoholics called Al-Anon. She learned that she had choices in life and she did not have to tolerate the humiliation, despair and fear.

Her fight to live a life free of abuse was not an easy one. She learned to accept what had happened and the family went on with the task of rebuilding their lives.

"We would be dead now if we had stayed with him. It was like a living hell. We would be terrified all the time," said Janet from Blackburn.

Her husband Michael should have been content with a devoted wife, young healthy children and a good job yet he physically, mentally and emotionally abused his family for years. His nightly drunken stagger home from the pub was as regular as the cruel beatings he subjected Janet to. Violent mood swings which would strike at the confused youngsters when they hurled pictures and ornaments at him in a pitiful attempt to save their mum. The police regularly called at the home to sort out a 'domestic' and Michael was taken kicking to the police station on many occasions.

Watching their father eat spiders off the wall, breaking their toys, devouring his dinner off the floor and urinating out of the window would be an everyday occurrence for the children. He would periodically wreck the home and even threatened to kill Janet by holding a knife to her throat when she was seven months pregnant.

Fines and injunctions never curbed his wrath and periods spent in refuges for battered women were only temporary escapes for Janet and her children from the madness of home life.

"When he was sober he was a lovely man. He would come crying, pleading, apologising and saying he would never do it again. He was so convincing but he was like Jekyll and Hyde. I took him back but realise alcoholics can't make promises."

Her turning point came on a hot, sunny day in July 1990. Her daughter had already left home at 16 to escape the abuse. She scooped her six-year-old son in her arms and had to flee the house on yet another weekend when he shouted obscenities at her in front of her friends and began smashing doors, windows and furniture. They stayed with family and friends but on their return home her son was so scared he wet himself.

"I just thought 'That's it. I'm not putting my children through this any longer.' He had no idea what he had put us all through as he regularly suffered blackouts and would forget what happened. He kissed me before going to work and said 'I'm going'. And I thought 'So am I'."

Janet and her son went to a women's refuge in Nelson and ten days later went to court to get a protection order. The judge ordered her husband to leave the home at noon that day.

Al-Anon was the strength behind her new found resolve to escape the abusive lifestyle. In desperation Janet had secretly contacted the Samaritans who put her in touch with the group.

"They taught me not to be ashamed. It wasn't me that was drinking. Alcoholics have the illness and the family get the spots." By feeling ashamed Janet had allowed her husband to keep up his abusive cycle.

She put up net curtains and erected a wall and fence to conceal what was happening in her home. She worked to pay off his drinking debts, made excuses for him at work and pretended that life at home was normal when her son's head teacher was worried about his performance.

"I also learned not to get on at him about drinking. It was just fuel for the fire. From the first meeting, I was never hit again. I just did something to get away from him. I had become obsessed with him and his problem and didn't give the children the care they deserved."

Janet has been regularly attending Al-Anon for seven years. Her son is now top of his class and although she still suffers from panic attacks, Janet's life is peaceful at last.

"I had choices and I chose to go. He still comes round to see the children but he's sober when he arrives. It has been a struggle but our lives are peaceful and we don't need to live in fear anymore but I couldn't do it without the support of Al-Anon."

Al-Anon meetings are held at Burnley General Hospital and Queen's Park Hospital in Blackburn.

For more information contact the Blackburn and District Community Alcohol Service on Blackburn 687103.

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