Picture this: I visit my local boozer at lunchtime and order a pie and a pint and duly hand my money over to the woman behind the bar who gratefully accepted a tip from me.

"Thanks a lot darling!" says she as she hands me the change in coppers. A minute later she serves another gent (slightly older than me).

"Cheers pet," chirps the barmaid as she serves the customer.

Response a: The elderly customer and myself turned to face each other with simmering anger at the words of the grinning barmaid (er person).

How dare she! darling? pet? Who did she think she was talking to? I was most certainly not her darling nor was the other chap her pet.

I am a professional. A man who has worked hard to get where he has and I want to be respected for that. To talk to me using such derogatory terms or pet names is quite demeaning and in public as well!

What was I to do? Well a number of things popped into my head. Firstly, I could tear her off a strip by reminding her of the fact that these days the opposite sexes did not talk to each other in such a fashion. Or, I could have smacked her in the chops - being chivalrous I decided against this.

After a moment's thought I decided that I should report her to the authorities. I know, I would take her to the court in Strasbourg for gross violation of my human rights - that'd sort her out. She would stand accused of being patronising, condescending, sexist, antiquated and thoughtless. If I could get her on treason and sedition as well then so much the better!

I would go to the papers after the court hearing and explain how I'd suffered this degrading ordeal and win everyone's sympathy. Yes, this woman would be sorry for her arrogance.

Response b: Both men pocket the change, smile and enjoy their pints as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

It's said that women and men respond differently to the same situation. Guess which was my response. Brewing the bitter taste of success Congratulations to health authority bosses at Lancaster's NHS Trust for highlighting the latest threat to our constantly endangered teenagers. I am referring of course to the latest alco-pop trend which dresses up hard liqueur beverages as soft drinks. Despite the use of the word trend you can rest assured that this is no fad. It is a blatant and cynical move by the brewers to get teenagers into drinking ways. Consider the words of one of the prime movers in the setting up of these pubs where such drinks are test piloted.

"Most people didn't enjoy their first drink because by definition bitter, for example, has an unpleasant taste to the uninitiated. Kids drink Vimto, Irn-bru lemonade and cokes because they like the taste - we've just added the alcohol!" Convinced?

Another reason for the outrage is the cost of some of these drinks - check these out and you'll begin to see how predatory the brewing industry is. Parents should be on the lookout for these drinks which could do a lot of harm because they taste so sweet and harmless. Either that or we should adopt a more sensible attitude to drinking and youth - as they do in France for example with wine!

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.