WHAT do pigeons and vandals have in common?

They are multiplying at an alarming rate and are a damn nuisance.

The good folk of Blackburn and burghers of the borough are in a right old tizz about the 'rats on wings,' as Coun Frank Higham once described pigeons.

If pigeons could talk they might argue they are merely going about their business of being, well... pigeons. What you get is what you see. Not so with vandals.

It has become increasingly obvious to me that random, senseless and utterly inexplicable attacks on cars are on the increase.

It has reached such a stage that anyone with a vehicle , no matter the car's age, must live in fear and dread of their prized possesion being attacked, whenever and wherever they leave it, for a short or extended period of time.

Pick up your paper any evening and I positively guarantee that there will be stories, maybe tucked away in the News In Brief columns, of smashed windscreens, slashed tyres, defaced paintwork.

Anyone who has had a vehicle attacked in this manner - and there must be literally hundreds, possibly thousands reading this who have - will immediately relate to the rush of anger and disgust the victim feels.

Helplessness is another emotion as it is obvious that there is little or nothing that can be done to prevent this type of vandalism by the very nature of its random selectiveness.

An acquaintance of mine DID do something and landed up in court facing criminal charges for his pains.

He's a hardworking young man who had built up a flourishing business which occupied most of his time and energy.

He bought a Porsche as a way of rewarding himself for the years of toil and self-determination which had taken him to the top.

Who, except the brainless losers who believe society owes THEM something, would deny him that?

Well, one nutter decided to pass judgement on my pal and his status symol. He pushed a shopping trolley into the side of the car and laughed like a clown as he surveyed the damage.

Unfortunately (for him) the car's owner caught him at it and did what we all would have done in those circumstances, given we were as big, as young, as fit and as thoroughly angry. He 'detained' the vandal until police arrived.

And the sequel to the story? The young nutter complained that he had been assaulted. The police prosecuted the car owner and suggested he plead guilty.

My friend was having none of that. He figured a criminal record for doing something he considered perfectly acceptable was not the road down which he wished to travel.

He engaged a barrister. The magistrates, in their infinite wisdom, threw out the charge, saying it should never have been brought.

Moral. If you catch someone vandalising your car, go shoot a pigeon. They're not covered by the same cock-eyed laws that seem to favour the offender not those offended against.

If the truth be known, the pigeon (or one of its mates) probably dumped on your car at some time anyway - so what's a slashed tyre, broken windscreen or scratched paintwork?

Great world, innit?

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.