The John Blunt column

EMERGING as Minister for Integrity out of the business of his son's alleged selling of cannabis in a London pub, Jack Straw finds himself put by Tony Blair in charge of the relaunch of government presentation.

And he began the task of restoring the people's faith in politicians by urging voters last week not to tar Labour with the cynicism they felt towards the Tories.

No, let us not be cynical.

Let us not be scornful of those ministers who take their mistresses abroad at the taxpayers' expense.

And while we are being urged restraint - of the kind that will give nurses a measly pay rise well below inflation - let us not be resentful of those who do up their official grace-and-favour residences with ridiculously-priced furnishings and trappings.

Let us not be sarcastic either about the accusations that the adulterous Foreign Secretary Robin Cook forced his secretary out of her job because he wanted his fancy woman in it.

And refrain we must from being resentful that jet-setting ministers have run up a £1.6million bill with more than 20,000 separate visits to the VIP suite at Heathrow airport since coming to power.

Let us not be derisive about the bill for those foreign trips for companions, tarted-up residences, refurbished ministerial offices and the growing army of advisers and spin doctors, together with the £7.4million spent on parties and champagne receptions, coming to almost £12million. Let us not, like those discredited Tories, spitefully calculate that this vital expenditure could have gone instead on employing 819 nurses or paid for 2,700 hip replacement operations.

Nor let us frown upon the £50,000 cost of improving the tennis courts at Chequers because its surface was "not up to Mr Blair's game."

Nor let us question the need for a new top-of-the range kitchen in Downing Street for Mrs Blair.

No, let us instead recall the Prime Minister's warning to newly-elected Labour MPs in May..."Remember that you are not here to enjoy the trappings of power, but to uphold the highest standards in public life."

The fastest forgetters, it seems, are the ones preaching about there being too many on state benefits - when they are freeloading for all they are worth themselves.

But let's not be cynical about it.

Doing time - it makes you laugh

"PRISONER at the bar, stop snivelling and listen to me. You have been found guilty of serial burglary, car theft, breach of probation, bail and multiple police cautions and will be sent to prison.

"And since the Lord Chief Justice has now directed that judges like myself should spell out exactly how long criminals must spend behind bars because the government wishes to end public confusion over sentencing practice, let me make it clear what this will mean in your case.

"You will go to jail for six months. "There, you will suffer the rigours of exercising whenever you like in a fully-equipped gymnasium, the like of which would cost law-abiding citizens £30 a month to belong to outside.

"During your detention, you will spend long periods in your cell watching television, including those satellite channels that many law-abiding people cannot afford or no longer have because their set has been stolen by the likes of you.

"You will be fed a restricted diet from a menu with no more than five choices of main course and three of dessert.

"And you may lose the privileges of playing pool and football and taking part in tattooing classes if you lose the keys to your cell.

"This does not apply to weekends as you will be free to return home on leave.

"And in view of your young age, part of your sentence will be spent in the company of social workers on canoeing and camping holidays of up to six weeks' duration, for which all the equipment will be provided, to impart to you an early lesson in life - that crime does not pay.

"Furthermore, in view of the government's electoral pledge to be tough on crime and the causes of crime, you will not, as the ineffectual previous government proposed, serve the actual sentence passed, but will, like most offenders, be released after serving half the nominal term.

"You may apply for legal aid to sue the Home Office for any mental trauma you may suffer in this time.

"And let me warn you now that, should you appear before me again, you will get more of the same. Is that clear? Take him down!" (The prisoner is led from the dock shaking with tears - of laughter).

Bench mark for stupidity

IT beggars belief that the policeman who drew his baton to control an angry motorist who had just assaulted another officer - yet didn't touch him - could himself be found guilty of assault.

Yet that is what magistrates decided when the driver took Epsom, Surrey, patrolman PC Andrew Waitt to court in a private prosecution.

In court, the prosecuting lawyer claimed that the driver, who was being arrested after a row about a minor motoring incident, and his four-year-old son suffered assault "through the threat and fear to their safety from the way PC Waitt wielded his truncheon."

And for hurting their feelings, but neither of their persons, the officer was given a conditional discharge for 18 months, ordered to pay £50 compensation to both the man and the boy and £120 costs.

Yet, if an officer can be convicted and may have his career blighted for something that was all in the mind, were not the bench out of their minds in failing to protect not just this officer doing his job, but all the others whose main defence against the the violence and threats they are routinely subjected to is their baton? Now, after this stupid decision, many officers will think twice about even gesturing with theirs in case they, too, end up in the dock.

If this was the court's idea of upholding law and order, it is down to a higher court clobber these mad magistrates by throwing out their crazy decision fast.

Millennium madness

DOESN'T the disclosure that Britain's celebrations for the Millennium will cost £4billion - equal to £68 for every man, woman and child - warm the cockles of your heart?

And don't you puff with pride that this is more per person than any other country is splashing out?

Of course, it's not all coming out of our pocket in actual taxes as around half will be from the National lottery, with councils, public donations and private firms putting up the rest.

All the same, I can think of better things to spent that sort of money on than that stupid Dome, cycle paths and new church bells - the sort of stuff we are getting to mark an artificially-fixed moment in time and, technically speaking, a year too soon anyway.

There are better and more deserving things to spend £4billion on - such as schools, roads and hospitals.

The opinions expressed by John Blunt are not necessarily those of this newspaper.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.