HELP me out here. Exactly why did I leap out of my seat and punch the air when Alan Shearer and Paul Scholes scored on Monday?

For one, I have little personal respect for one of those two players (no prizes for guessing but this striker is only marginally better at promoting beefburgers than BSE) writes NEIL BRAMWELL.

More importantly, though, those actions make me AN ENGLAND FAN.

To be frank, for most of the time I would rather have BSE than be tarred with that brush.

And with every England win, the scum have more reason to celebrate in their very own inimitable style - and more opportunity to shame the country in the later stages of the World Cup.

This is perhaps the reason I felt just as much pride in Scotland's draw against Norway as England's victory over Tunisia.

The temptation is to bite the bullet and transfer allegiance to another country.

(This would also make any Glenn Hoddle success easier to swallow.)

There are a number of options, with arguments for and against....

Nigeria: Taribo West's green dreadlocks beat David Beckham's greasy streaks hands down. But their human rights record - and tackling - leave much to be desired. Scotland: Flower of Scotland makes my spine tingle. But I want to retain an interest in the competition after next Tuesday.

Jamaica: Their football innocence and extra-curricular guilt are a heady cocktail. But I don't like reggae, oh no!

Saudi Arabia: Easy to improvise the national costume for the cup final party. But the party would not be much fun.

Yugoslavia: Any team featuring Savo Milosevic needs all the support it can muster. But the country doesn't exist.

Returning to the serious theme, I remember experiencing similar feelings of revulsion after Dublin and in during the 1990 World Cup in Italy.

Yet I cried with the best of them when Chris Waddle blasted over against the Germans.

And I will, of course, be rooting for England throughout the rest of the tournament.

It is just such a shame that those scum take the pride out of patriotism.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.