WHAT DO YOU THINK: Write to The Sports Editor, Lancashire Evening Telegraph, High Street, Blackburn, BB1 1HT

BIMBO HACK TO DALLAGLIO: Lawrence, it's such an enormous pleasure to meet you. I've admired your fantastic physique since I was a giggly schoolgirl at the convent.

DALLAGLIO TO DALLAGLIO: You're in here, you handsome brute.

DALLAGLIO TO BIMBO HACK: The pleasure is all mine.

BIMBO HACK TO DALLAGLIO: As you know, we're willing to pay you £500,000 over two years as part of our new marketing drive. We want men to associate our products with living life on the edge - a close shave after a close shave. And we'll even link the sponsorship to some tupenny bit urban rugby scheme to maintain your holier than thou image.

DALLAGLIO TO DALLAGLIO: Easy money, or what. Play this cool and we're in for a double whammy - oodles of wonga and a bit of rumpy pumpy. Just wait until I tell the lads.

DALLAGLIO TO BIMBO HACK: The money is immaterial. I just want to see young men off the streets and enjoying the sport.

BIMBO HACK TO DALLAGLIO: That's the only slight problem we have with you, Lawrence. This marketing campaign is focused on the rough, tough, loveable rogue image that rugby projects. And, err, we're just a bit worried that your image is a bit too, err, clean cut, too much Gary Lineker and not Oliver Reed. DALLAGLIO TO DALLAGLIO: This isn't in the bag yet. Change your tack. Turn on the charm and lay it on thick. She looks the impressionable type.

DALLAGLIO TO BIMBO HACK: Hey, baby doll, I used whores, took and sold hard drugs and slept around for England. Is that enough for you?

BIMBO HACK TO DALLAGLIO: Lawrence, dear, that's exactly what we wanted to hear. Consider the deal closed. Oh, is that the time? Must dash. We'll be back in touch on Sunday.

DALLAGLIO TO DALLAGLIO: Easiest afternoon's work I've ever done. This is going to change my life.

BRAMWELL TO DALLAGLIO: Lawrence, old chap, I can just about stomach Manchester United scoring twice in the final second to win the European Cup. But can you really expect me to swallow that wide-eyed and innocent routine you performed on Tuesday. The News of the World did not pick your name out of a hat and think 'We'll stitch him up for, let's see, drugs will do'. They were acting on information received, and with good reason. Add sheer greed, laced with an unhealthy lashing of ego and a dash of lust, and you deserve everything you got. I hope the Rugby Football Union use the yardstick of Robbie Fowler's eight-game ban when throwing the book at you. In the meantime, you expect us to believe that butter would not melt in your mouth. That's like saying Alex Ferguson was born unlucky.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.