Shelley Wright takes a wry look at life

LAST night I finally got round to watching the first Austin Powers movie and some would say that after two years it's not before time.

And as I have also seen The Exorcist and Reservoir Dogs in the last couple of weeks I reckon a quick viewing of Titanic sometime soon and I'll be after Barry Norman's old job.

Now it wasn't that I had especially avoided the International Man of Mystery on purpose or anything like that - it was just that by the time everyone else had seen it and told me all about the best bits there didn't seem much point.

Well, that and the fact I knew the sight of Liz Hurley trying to act would make me want to puke all the way through.

But other than that I must concede I thought it was OK - though I'm loath to let everyone know they were right after all this time. And I'm even looking forward to the sequel which comes out in a couple of weeks, though I've been banned from printing the title here because this is a family newspaper you know.

Now for those of you who haven't seen it - and hark at me, I think I'm an expert now - the film is basically a James Bond spoof about a cheesy Sixties spy.

But the real fun begins when Austin Powers is cryogenically frozen because his archrival Dr Evil has done the same.

When Dr Evil hits defrost in a bid to take over the world mid-1990s Austin receives his alarm call too - only he thinks crushed velvet, horn-rimmed specs and Burt Bacharach are still cool.

And those teeth! Bleuurgh.

But despite the fact it was nice to finally see for myself all those funny visuals, catchphrases and 'in' jokes I've been told hundreds of times before, the best bits for me were hearing some of Dr Evil's classic lines which I've been plaguing family and friends with all week. You see I've spent the last couple of days playing with a voice activator that landed in the office amid some hype for the new movie and, to be honest, that was my main reason for seeing the original film.

Imagine my delight when I first pressed Dr Evil's head to hear him bawl: "Why must I be surrounded by idiots?"

Exactly, I thought, looking around. Hours of fun have ensued.

I immediately rang my brother on his mobile and pressed Dr Evil's head. I could almost see him turn green with envy at my new toy.

Then I rang my best mate at work

"Can I help you?" she said.

"Silence!" roared Dr Evil. "I will not tolerate your insolence!"

That's a no then, eh?

By lunch time everyone in the office had introduced Dr Evil to their friends and family.

One colleague left his evil laugh on his own answerphone to scare his sleeping fiancee while another suggested I take it to Blackburn Cathedral and play it to Princess Anne.

I didn't, though I'm sure it would have been even more appropriate in her house. It's made me laugh all week and, to be honest, so did the film

Only it's got me thinking about the past and what I would be like if I had been cryogenically frozen 10 years ago.

I would probably wake up with a felt-tipped tattoo announcing my undying love for Haslingden High School heart-throb Marcus Greenhalgh and a pair of Grolsch tops in my boots as homage to Bros.

The most worrying thing is that 1989 doesn't actually seem that long ago, does it? In fact, I can remember the entire decade almost as clear as day - and that's without echoes coming back to haunt me in the charts.

I mean does Mel G really think re-releasing Word Up! and reminding us of Cameo in that nasty red leather posing pouch is going to do her solo career much good? She could go the whole hog and hit Top of the Pops wearing a puff-ball skirt and two luminous coloured towelling socks that don't match.

Honestly, looking back, we really can't call anyone for a crushed velvet suit.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.