BOOK your flights for Cape Town in 2006.

For the latest brainwave in England's attempt to secure the World Cup, in the face of competition from South Africa and Germany, is about as ingenious as smoke signals in a force nine gale.

Tony Banks has quit his job as Minister of Sport to become the bid's special envoy.

I can reveal today that his back-up team are Grant Mitchell and Des O'Connor.

It appears that the FA will stop at nothing to blow their chances out of the water.

First they tried the sneaky approach, by attempting to buy votes from the likes of Wales and Thailand.

Next they tried to damage their domestic standing beyond repair by linking up with Manchester United in destroying the nation's favourite sporting spectacle - in the name of the World Cup bid.

And now Banks.

This is the man who described William Hague as a foetus at a Labour Party conference fringe meeting nearly two years ago. He upset Anglo-Canadian relations by abusing the Canadians over their policy of seal culling, refused to sit next to royalty at the FA Cup final and crossed his fingers while swearing the oath in Parliament.

The man has the diplomacy of a warthog and is up against heavyweights of the charm offensive such as Nelson Mandela.

And expected to pitch in for the German cause are sporting ambassadors of the calibre of Steffi Graf and Jurgen Klinsmann.

We have Bobby Charlton and Geoff Hurst, who have the combined charisma of a pair of sycamore trees.

In many ways the country should be grateful that Banks is now flying the flag for the 2006 bid.

I was embarrassed enough to have to witness the behaviour of the English moronic supporters in France last year.

To subject our own stadia and cities to that kind of mayhem does not seem to be a risk worth taking.

Still football's loss through Banks's appointment should prove to be a gain for sport in general.

When will the world of politics learn that being a Chelsea fan and a successful politician is just not possible?

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.