Wright On: A wry look at life, with Shelley Wright

THREE weeks tomorrow, people across the world will tuck into their traditional Christmas turkey lunch and, as far as I am concerned, that can mean only one thing - there's just 21 days left in which to lose that excess weight and be thin in time to stuff yourself silly on the big day.

Yes, I'm afraid we're back to dieting again but you can blame my mum for that, as she has just announced she is not eating anything until December 14.

Now I know I've gone on about trying to lose weight and my current, absolutely knackering, exercise regime before, but I find it is a subject close to every woman's heart.

In fact, I think you'll agree, rightly or wrongly, it's an obsession almost every woman has, though judging by the number of blokes I've spotted out jogging or pumping iron in the gym, looking and feeling good isn't just a girly thing.

But isn't it hard? And especially at this time of year when temptation is everywhere you look, the supermarkets are piled high with Christmas goodies and you can't move for being invited out for a festive drink.

And as half a lager and lime probably has about 3,000 calories I reckon I practically drank a month's worth last night alone! It's not good.

So diets. Right. I've got two here. One some people swear by and another that landed on my desk yesterday.

I know which I prefer. See what you think.

The first is Miracle Soup, which you may have already heard of or tried as it has certainly done the rounds among my circle of family and friends. Basically it promises you will lose a whacking chunk of lard in seven days - but after three servings of soup I would rather have eaten dog food, let me tell you.

You can - oh joy - eat other designated foods as well, but as they include eight bananas in skimmed milk one day and masses of fillet steak the next, my pals and I found that if you weren't farting for England with the soup the steak made sure you had extremely bad breath instead.

So Miracle Soup. Mmmm. But what about this diet which was photocopied and left on my desk yesterday?

It says it is specifically designed for those in stressful occupations as well as those who find it difficult to stick to conventional diets by being very strict in the morning and more lenient as the day goes on.

What do you think to this?

Breakfast: Half a grapefruit, one slice of toast (dry) and a third pint of skimmed milk.

Lunch: 4oz lean chicken breast, large portion of spring cabbage, one glass of spring water and a digestive.

Mid-afternoon snack: rest of the digestive biscuits in the pack, half a litre of Cornish dairy ice-cream with cherries, nuts, chocolate curls and whipped cream.

Dinner: Large portion of fresh water melon, two loaves of garlic bread with cheese, large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza, two cans of Budweiser and three Milky Ways. Coffee, cheeses and biscuits. Double port and brandy.

Late evening: Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer, two large hamburgers with cheese, onions, tomato sauce and sweetcorn relish. Shish kebab and six more cans of Budweiser.

And then there's the rules. It says that if you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories and that eating any item containing a large number of calories with a Diet Coke cancels the calories out.

And according to this, calories don't count if you eat with another person who eats more than you and any item eaten in association with a film does not contain any calories as it is part of the entertainment.

Great or what?

Then there's the broken biscuit rule which says the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. This apparently also applies to food that is sliced like pizza and cake.

Now I don't know how much weight you can hope to lose on this, but it sure sounds like more fun than cabbage consomm.

And as I already follow the rules about Diet Coke and eating with other people it seems silly not to give it a go. I must admit I feel great - though I'm not sure how I will look in another couple of weeks. Something like the Nutty Professor, eh?

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.