TEN things I hope the next generations of Speakers Out won't have to speak out on in the next 1000 years:

2100: Steve Redgrave is murdered by his wife after a training row. His head is badly beaten. Redgrave was closing in on his 30th consecutive gold medal in the coxless fifties. After the 2096 Olympics, held in Stacksteads, he had asked anyone spotting him near the water to smash his scull.

2200: The Lancashire Cricket Board Premier League is hailed as a huge sucess, despite the fact that only two amateur clubs are still in existence. Cherry Tree win the league for the 10th consecutive season but rivals White Coppice claim that the title was bought. Cherry Tree are widely suspected of using a huge legacy left by a mystery benefactor in the 2050s to pay their players.

2300: The world of sport rejoices after a cryogenic experiment conducted in 2001 has miraculous results. Sir Alex Ferguson and David Beckham emerge from deep freeze as though nothing has changed. Ferguson immediately complains that the ref has played 299 years of injury time, but goes on to lead Manchester United out of the UniBond Premier at the first attempt. Initially, there were fears that the Beckham experiment had gone badly wrong as he wandered around looking gormless and confused. Then the doctors consulted their records.

2400: The BBC Sports Personality of the 24th Century award goes to Emma Rage, the new sensation in women's boxing. Bereaved relatives of her seven victims give her a standing ovation in the glittering ceremony at the London Amphitheatre (formerly Millennium Dome).

2500: England lose the inaugural Test series on Uranus. Chairman of selectors Blake Graveney blames the bad light on the other side of the universe for his side's poor showing. The national press continue to bemoan the state of Test cricket, blaming the increasingly popular one-hour computer game, Virtual Cricket.

2600: The Stan Ternent Media Centre at Turf Moor is stormed by Clarets supporters, furious at the club's decision to pull out of World Club championship in favour of opting to enter the rejuvenated FA Cup.

2700: The FA introduce a Bank Manager of the Month award, for the club treasurer with the highest monthly wage bill. Zac Parkes, the caretaker bank manager in control of the Blackburn with Darwen Rovers account, is the inaugural winner after a remarkable first four weeks in charge of the Ewood Park vaults.

2800: Canadian athlete John Benson is banned from the Boddingtons Olympic Games for misuse of talent. The centathlete fails a urine test when no trace of drugs is found in his sample. He is sent home in disgrace and banned from taking drugs for the rest of the Millennium.

2900: The two codes of rugby, after centuries of public pressure, join forces under one set of rules. The games' governing bodies agree to make handling the ball an offence, except for one player per team, and switch to using a round ball. Points are scored by kicking the ball UNDER the bar. The new laws are met with widespread approval.

3000: The world ends after the USA launches a nuclear attack on Europe. Allegedly, a troublesome Scottish spectator called Callum Montgomerie trumped just as Davis Love XVIII was about to sink the match-winning putt in the Ryder Cup.

Neil Bramwell is the Sports Editor

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.