FUNNY, I thought politically-correct, nannyish New Labour Blackburn with Darwen Council had a policy to promote the health of its townsfolk. So why is its travel and information centre promoting "cheap booze and cigarette" coach trips to Calais "including Tobacco Row"? I only ask.

DESPITE Buckingham Palace insisting no taxpayers' money has been spent on doing up Prince Edward and wife Sophie's Surrey mansion, it turns out the Ministry of Defence paid as much as £1 million of public money towards the work on the former Army property. Obviously, this is in recognition of Eddie's long service in the Royal Marines.

I AM not sure what value there may be in the £80,000 survey of football clubs to find out how many attract supporters from ethnic minorities. But the claim that Blackburn Rovers is at the bottom of the league in this field does not tell us anything untoward - only that our Asian community ain't so daft as to shell out several hundred quid for a season ticket to watch 'football' like that on show last Saturday and kid itself it's worth it.

ICELAND wants to give oddball pixie-of-pop star Bjork a remote island off its coast in recognition of the fame and fortune she has brought her homeland. It's got my vote - providing they can make her stop on it.

THE government is to give illegal squatters the right to vote. Perhaps our tough-on-crime-and-the-causes-of-crime New Labour law-makers will explain how law-breaking justifies this right. Or is it just-be-nice-to-everyone week?

AROUND half of all marriages involving foreigners in London register offices - some 10,000 a year - are believed to be bogus. Who says so? - the registrars themselves, according to Mike Price, the Home Office immigration officer in charge of the marriage abuse team. But if that's what they suspect, why go ahead with these shady ceremonies? Can't they refuse to carry them out until inquiries have been made, Mr Straw?

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.