New grounds but same old banter ONE month of First Division football, and it's clear that things are different; bigger stadia, better teams and more expensive pies. Yet amidst all this flux, it's comforting to know that some things never change.

For example, the art of "banter" between opposing supporters.

Having observed this phenomenon at first hand, I feel able to offer the definitive guide to banter. Firstly, it is necessary to position oneself as close as possible to the opposition fans (often referred to as "their lads"). It's easy to tell who will be up for a spot of banter, as they are invariably thin.

This is not because they look after their bodies, but because they spend all their money on expensive designer gear and are thus unable to afford food.

A traditional hallmark of those who engage in banter is a marked lack of brightness. A good example of this occurred at Bolton. There were 5,000 Burnley fans, a giant scoreboard read "today's fixture -- Wanderers v Burnley" and the Clarets supporters had just finished a chant of "Burnley, Burnley, Burnley." So how did the Bolton fans respond? With a two minute chorus of "Who are you? Who are you?"

Aficionados of banter will also be familiar with the variety of hand gestures which accompany the art. On Saturday, Wolves fans treated us to their entire repertoire, including salutes of both the one and two finger variety and other hand signals, the details of which are not suitable for publication in a family newspaper.

One particular favourite involves the raising of both arms, coupled with a beckoning motion of the hands. This is frequently accompanied by the chant "come on in" (presumably not for a discussion on the gentrification of football).

More often than not this is chanted by a bespectacled 14-year-old schoolboy whose feeble physical presence suggests he would come off second best in a fight with his younger sister.

Essential to practitioners of banter is a five deep line of police and/or stewards which separate rival fans. This prevents fisticuffs, which despite all their front, they want to avoid at all costs. Like I said, that designer clobber doesn't come cheap. The police presence however, can be a double edged sword, as those indulging in banter can find themselves the subject of the ultimate humiliation -- being told to sit down by the steward, which is somewhat akin to being smacked in public by your mum.

Banter -- coming to a ground near you soon.