IF you have a broad Northern twang, then be proud of it! For it contains the sort of terms that would have been familiar to Chaucer and Shakespeare . . . though, of course, radio and television have now all but wiped out traditional Lanky-speak.

I was reminded of just how much has been lost while debating the decline of flat vowel and the unique Northern vocabulary with my old chum Kevin Heneghan, a dedicated delver into such matters.

Some customers of this creaky column, might themselves remember humorous anecdotes that typify the Lancastrian character. Anyway, here are a few examples dredged up by Kevin and yours truly, for starters.

For instance, what was the doctor from overseas to make of 'Ah've getten t'ballywarch' when the patient meant 'I have a pain in my abdomen'? Then there's 'Ee, Ah'm powfagged'; for 'My brain is weary.' Pow, of course, is a corruption of poll, as in 'Ah'm off fer a pow!' (meaning a haircut). And how about, 'Owd mon, sorry, Ah'm clemmed t'dee-uth' for 'Old friend, sirrah, I am starving to death.'

A particular gem is: 'Sithee at yond little beggar. His ganzey's bawtered wi' nast.' Properly interpreted this means: 'Look at that little boy. His Guernsey pullover is covered with dirt.' The same little boy, being sent on an errand by his mother, might have been told, 'Hie thissen or Ah'st byet thee wi' t' brush-steel,' for 'Hurry up, or I'll hit you with the brush-handle.'

Kevin's particular favourite, however, is 'Umbethowt me as it's time he were gerrin' wom.' Meaning 'I thought to myself that it's time he was coming home.' He found an echo of that in a treatise on the Ten Commandments by Richard Rolle, a hermit of Hampole near Doncaster, who lived from about 1290 to 1349. This went: "The thirde Comandement es, 'Umbethynke thee that thou hallow thy holyday.'"By this he meant "The third Commandment is 'Remember that thou keep holy the Sabbath day.'"

But let us press on. How about 'His missus con o'erfawse him anytime,' instead of 'His wife can outwit him anytime.' This was not always true! Decades ago a Haydock man suspected that when he went to the pub his flighty wife went about her own affairs. His solution was to take her into the backyard and wind her hair into the mangle. His grim warning was 'Tha con stop theer till Ah cum wom.' I bet that attempt at wife-controlling would go down a treat with today's politically correct battalions!

No doubt the prisoner of the mangle would have later told her friends: 'It weren't jannock!' This translates as 'It was unfair (dishonest).' And the friends might have muttered among themselves: 'Yond mon's not getten aw his cheers awom.' By this they meant 'That man is two sandwiches short of a picnic.'

Another favourite old-time term is skrike, meaning cry. In bygone days, a popular venue for settling fights was Banks's Field, behind the Ship Inn at Blackbrook. One contestant, his face as bloody as a butcher's apron, was so small that he had to stand on a mound to reach his opponent. A bystander shouted: "Hey, Tommy, Ah reckon tha'rt skrikin." This brought the reply: "Happen Ah am skrikin', but Ah'm not skrikin' feart, Ah'm skrikin' nowt (angry)." Did that fight start after the customary warning, 'Howd thi noise or Ah'st rattle thi tash.' ('Be quiet or I shall thump you in the face.') It was a well-worn threat in times when moustaches, better known as tashes, were the rule rather than the exception among the Northern menfolk.

Another expression recalled by Kevin is 'Tha'rt a cropey beggar. Tha' wants talkin' abaht.' ('You have more than your share of good luck. It deserves critical comment.') And he remembers that some old people in his pre-war youth would observe, 'Ah'st be awreet if Ah con ger up May brew (brow).' The month of May was regarded as the most difficult one of the year to negotiate.

Likewise, when the road underground was steer (steep), some colliers used a brew-stick -- a short stick to help them up the slope. Each, of course, carried a tin on his belt to hold his 'baggin', 'snap', 'tommy', or 'jack-bit.' All of them terms for the snack that helped him through the shift.

Kevin tells me: "Once, when an old friend, the late Syd Webster, arranged a visit to Ravenhead Colliery, I noticed a board on which output was marked. So much yield by Snap (mid-shift break) and so much by Cob, short for cobbler and the last of the day. It was also of a collier that I heard say: 'He scrat for 'em aw a bit.' By this he meant that he had worked hard to provide for his family."

Another old mining expression, 'If thi feyther finds out, tha'll think thi coal's come and been kecked (tipped) at t'wrung door,' was a reference to the days when a miner's concessionary coal was delivered unbagged and tipped outside his door. Taking it in by the bucketful was a tedious task, made worse if it was delivered by mistake a few doors away.

It was a common sight once to see miners who were 'playing them' (having a shift off work) 'carring' (cowering) down at a street corner -- adopting a squatting position that was only possible for those who had spent years underground. Just try it, if you want to do your hamstrings a mischief!

I enjoyed Kevin's story of a Haydock man who, some years ago, worked for the Corporation. One day he arrived at work, to be told by the foreman: "Thi mate's gone to Clock Face. Tha'll hetfot goo to Moss Bank." This brought the angry response: "Not so much o'thy hetfot. It's willta?"

Some expressions were especially colourful. How about 'Aye, he's thin, awreet. If he sups pea-soup they think he's getten t'mumps.' Still on the soup image, 'Eawr Sal's as daft as a brush. If it were rainin' soup hoo'd run out wi' a fork.'

Years ago, a youth whose parents kept a pub in Billinge, greeted an old customer with, 'Nah then, Jem, how are ta?' The old man was so angry that he complained to the youth's father. Young people were expected to properly address their elders as 'yo' (you) instead of the familiar 'ta' (thou). This custom probably went back to Norman times, as the French have a verb for such familiarity, tutoyer, to address as thee and thou instead of as you.

WELL, there's a basinful of owd expressions to be going on with. Can any readers provide a few more?