IAN Austin makes a 'proper' cup of tea.
He throws the tea leaves in, adds the water and milk and gives it a good stir.
It tastes great, until you get to bottom -- and get a mouthful of tea leaves.
"And then you hear him chuckling away in the corner because he's tricked another stupid Yorkshireman," says Andrew Collomosse, the author of the Lancashire legend's autobiography, 'Bully for you, Oscar'.
When Ian Austin, who was born in Haslingden and now lives in Baxenden, was approached several years ago by 'someone from London' who was interested in writing his autobiography, Austin refused. "I didn't think I had much to say, really," said the no-nonsense all-rounder.
But Collomosse came along a few years later and managed to dig up some interesting stories, from as early as his Haslingden High School days, when he played for Lancashire Schools Cricket Association.
"We were due to play Yorkshire, of all people, and I didn't have any transport," recalls Austin. "And although I left messages, they weren't picked up.
"When I arrived at school on Monday the games master called me in and gave me a fearful rollicking: I'd let down Lancashire, the school, the town, myself and anyone else he could think of.
"The headmaster gave me a repeat performance immediately afterwards and I ended up being banned from the town team. They lost their next two games, after which I was back in the same room, getting the blame for the side losing because I hadn't played!"
Austin also played for his local side Haslingden, like his father before him.
It was there he picked up the nickname 'Oscar'.
He recalled: "Those of you with long memories will remember a television series called the Six Million Dollar Man.
"The hero was a guy called Steve Austin -- his manager was Ocsar Goldman.
"Carl Sudworth, a team mate of my dad's and one of the junior coaches, combined the two and came with Oscar Austin.
"And Oscar I have been ever since."
Austin uses the book to set a few people straight, namely journalists who have labelled him a 'pie eating ale-swiller'.
He says: "I've spent most of my career listening to taunts of 'Sumo, sumo' and 'Who ate all the pies?' I've put up with newspapers relating half-truths about my eating and drinking habits.
"And I've learned to live with the reality that for some people my waistline is more important than my line and length. "Let's get one thing straight for starters. I don't spend the best part of my life eating meat pies and swilling pints of ale.
"Yes, I'm a big lad -- 5ft 10in and around 15st. I've always had a healthy appetite. But I try to look after myself as well. Basically, I can't help the way I'm built -- it's as simple as that."
In the Haslingden first team at 15 years old, Oscar soon became accustomed to senior cricket, both on and off the pitch.
After making his first half-century, he remembers nursing his first 'king-size hangover'.
"The first of many, it has to be said," he jokes. "It has always been a tradition in the leagues that a players hitting 50 or taking five wickets is rewarded with a collection -- his team-mates take a cap around the ground and the punters show their appreciation, or otherwise, by the size of their donations. There was £40 in the hat by the time the lads re-appeared, and that was a lot of money in those days.
"But Haslingden being Haslingden, it went behind the bar after the game and not in my pocket.
"My only memory of the night is waking up with a stonking great headache with not a penny left in the kitty though I am assured a good night was had by all."
The social scene was as important as the cricket. "We all enjoyed a pint after the game and the classic line was 'Win or lose, we'll go on the booze.'
Austin's unbeaten 149 not out for Haslingden against Church in 1985 remains the highest score by an amateur in the league's 108-year history.
He represented England nine times in limited overs Internationals, including the 1999 World Cup.
He has played professionally for Lancashire for 14 years and this week signed a new contract at Old Trafford for the coming season, albeit only for one day games, which would leave him free to go back to league cricket.
He feels he has a lot to offer a club as a professional, and could be announced as Haslingden's new pro for next season by the end of the week.
But Lancashire, who could play several one-day games on Sundays this season after being relegated, would come first.
"I have still got a lot of ties at Haslingden," he said. "I still see people I know from Haslingden regularly and I still play there regularly. They have approached me about next season.
"I have got a soft spot for the club, but if you're looking at it from a professional point of view it might be a bit too close, it might be better to go somewhere else because then you're not like the ex-Haslingden boy done good coming back to his home-town team.
"But I would love to go back one day as an amateur.
"Whatever happens, Lancs have to agree to it. I can't just go off signing any contract I want.
"I think it will be very difficult from Haslingden's point of view, if I am going to be needed by Lancs on some Sundays.
"It does bring its own difficulties bringing in sub-pros and that could be a stumbling block.
"But I will have a lot of free time on my hands now, and I could maybe come down and work with the team or the juniors."
'Bully for you, Oscar' is published by Mainstream, priced £15.99
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