EXTRA! Eric Leaver presents his almanac of irreverent predictions for 2001...

SOOTH, I say. Fear not what this New Year has in store. Do not let the Dismal Jimmies put the wind up you with their predictions of a severe economic slump, global warming and the chippies running out of cod.

For this extraordinary seer -- gifted with peculiar powers to look ahead with a jaundiced eye and nose for the absurd -- will let you in on what will happen in 2001 as the 21st Century unfolds. So eat your heart out, Old Moore . . .

January

Home Secretary Jack Straw caught again travelling at 103 mph in his ministerial Jag. Driver again let off -- on account of once more avoiding a 'perceived threat' to Mr Straw . . . this time, packs of foxhounds set on him by hunting fans fearing outlawing of their sport.

Holes in the ozone layer blamed for freak weather -- blue skies and blazing sun. Traffic jams caused by council gritters turning out in force.

February

Sudden cold snap. East Lancashire hospitals hit by winter beds crisis as floods of pensioners are admitted -- all suffering from heat stroke caused by having gas fires on full day and night. Government scraps winter heating allowance -- crisis subsides.

Joe, the fugitive and notoriously non-biting 'dangerous' Blackburn monkey, nabbed after months on the run from council officials who refused him a licence to live at home. Humanely, sent to the safety of a monkey sanctuary, goes ape and sinks teeth in all other inmates. Rehomed to calming conditions of owner Mrs Mary Stanton's front room.

March

Hunting debate continues. Sales of Kama Sutra soar as millions hear Jack Straw extols the virtues of the Third Way and enters Guinness Book of Records for millionth mention in a month of the phrase 'on the other hand . . .'

Thousands witness another night of son et lumiere at Duralay factory, Haslingden.

Budget. Huge give-aways by Chancellor Gordon Brown, including 50p off a litre of petrol and restoration and doubling of pensioners' heating allowance as from May 4. General election announced for May 3.

April

Blackburn Rovers v Burnley 'derby' match. Burnley win 25-0 as leaden Rovers, wearing suits of armour, are outplayed. Clarets fans stage 'traditional' victory celebration -- burn down Burnley town centre and own homes.

Grand National is won by horse called That's The One I Meant. East Lancs holidays giants Airtours issues surprise record profits forecast -- announces it has sold every overseas vacation taking place during election campaign, including West Bank and Gaza Strip.

May

Labour retain power in poll marked by huge stay-away by voters. Despite Tory voters' surrender, party severely dents Labour majority as millions of fed-up Old Labour supporters vote Conservative just to make a match of it. Ribble Valley MP Nigel Evans made Shadow spokesman for Everything -- may not know about everything, but talks like he does, says new Conservative leader Anne Widdecombe.

June

Queen's Birthday Honours. The new Earl Longside of Turf Moor, formerly Prime Ministerial press spokesman Alastair Campbell, co-opts sacked manager of relegated Clarets, Stan Ternent, as defence expert. Celebrations continue in Blackburn over triumphant return to Premiership in play-offs following signing of entire Brazil team for £30 billion. Sour grapes on part of critics, says Graeme Souness.

July

UK monsoon -- weather experts blame Darwen Holidays.

Blackburn with Darwen Council prepares bid for city status in Queen's Golden Jubilee Year -- says award now deserved out of pity.

New TV show grabs giant ratings -- island Castaways locked up with Big Brother contestants to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

August

Vanessa Feltz reveals yet another wonder diet -- as she slims to an amazing Size 20.

Parliamentary sleaze scandal averted by MPs still having another 14 weeks of summer holiday left -- as media frenzy erupts over Blairs holidaying in Italy's 'Chiantishire' in bell tent lent free by favour-seeking Scout troop.

Albanian refugees discovered in back of lorry in Bacup insist on 'human rights' -- and demand to be sent home.

Duralay repeats night of son et lumiere.

September

Manchester United reveals new strip -- for the next fortnight. David Beckham signs new £1 billion contract -- ousting Liz Hurley at Estee Lauder.

Controversial pedestrian- isation of Church Street, Blackburn, goes ahead. Several injured when mown down by cyclists riding on pavements to celebrate 'safer streets.'

October

Party conference season. Tony Blair sets casual tone at Brighton -- wears a sweatshirt for keynote speech. Declared a drip by Bennites. Anne Widdecombe kicks off Tory gathering at Blackpool with photo-call dip in the sea.

Dublin deluged by freak tidal wave.

Manchester United win Premiership -- close finish, says manager Sir Alex Ferguson. Runner-up to be announced in April.

November

Floods swamp Britain. Global warming blamed by environment minister John Prescott during tour in new semi-submersible Jaguar, but public inquiry blames housing estates being built in mid-river.

Queen's Speech at opening of Parliament delivered in unintelligible Cockney twang -- sumfink abhaat yer 'unting wiv dogs gettin' the elbow one ov these days, ducks.

New outbreak of cat rustling -- bloodsports enthusiasts suspected on gathering cats to train to hunt foxes when hunting with dogs is outlawed.

December

Sales top 50 million of new must-have toy for Christmas -- cybernetic teddy bear which emits mad cackle of laughter on being bought for ridiculous prices by members of the public told none are to be had.

Queue forms at Blackburn's King George's Hall for Daniel O'Donnell concert next Christmas.

Princess Royal conspicuously polite to royalty fans outside Sandringham Church when arriving for Christmas Day service. One rushed to hospital with severe case of rictus after attempting a smile.

Old Leaver, claiming another year of successful soothsaying, predicts the next year will be as mad as the last.