HAVE you got a New Year's resolution?

Citizen Smith's resolution is to overthrow the slavery of corporate capitalism but, failing that, he'll eat less hamsters and smoke more cigarettes.

And, feeling self righteous after three sit ups, Citizen Smith has come up with a few suggested new year's resolutions for local worthies.

The tourism department should come back through the looking glass and wake up to the fact that we're light years away from getting the number of tourists enjoyed by Chester or York. Investing in a new abacus to accurately count the number of tourists in the area would be a good start but, to save money, they could use their fingers and toes.

Council officers should attend classes in filing important documents. It's uncanny how many vital documents have been lost or mysteriously waylaid.

The new Millennium Bridge could become multi-functional and be transformed into a community washing line. The view from the north of the city has been ruined so what's a few pairs of socks and underpants? (Did you notice that the attractive scale model and drawings used to promote the new bridge had one important feature missing - the city of Lancaster)

Someone should put up a revolving For Sale/Sold sign outside the Midland Hotel.

Environmental health chiefs investigating the smell from Nightingale Hall Farm should make a site visit to the Winter Gardens - something there stinks!

The District Auditor should resolve to put us all out of our collective misery this year and issue his report into Blobbygate.

And finally, Citizen letter writers should once again lead from the front in highlighting important local issues before the boring politicos drive us all to distraction.

In fact, if everybody in Lancaster and Morecambe supports their local boozer, the Winter Gardens and the Midland Hotel finally re-open, the Blobby affair and David Christley's libel case are settled amicably, fairly and (preferably) without further cost to the taxpayer, if Nightingale Hall Farm buggers off somewhere else, if the new bridge doesn't fall down in the first high wind and if a few more people bothered to walk into town or catch a bus then -- and this is a promise -- Citizen Smith will break into a sunny smile.

It's not unknown you know, after the last local election he was seen beaming for days, but the dour grimace of perpetual cynicism is making a come back.

Maybe 2001 will see the spectre of Mr Blobby return and give us all something to smile about.