Female, fortyish and Fun - a new column with Helen Mead

I DON'T think I would have managed to live as a castaway - I wouldn't fancy a year on a freezing cold island without daily hot baths.

And I certainly wouldn't have coped with Big Brother - all those dreadful people and silly activities.

But now there's a new show in the offing that I believe really would be a doddle. So easy, in fact, that I'm tempted to sign up immediately. Called Boy Meets Girl, it involves attempting to change your identity - without surgery -- from female to male (and vice versa) and live 'undercover' for a short time in the outside world.

Volunteers are assessed and given advice on speech, deportment, mannerism and dress, with the least convincing participants being voted out. I could do this, I really could.

For years, I have observed the male species at close quarters and believe I could mirror their behaviour to a tee. So could any other woman for that matter. If you fancy your chances but are unsure as to how to go about it, simply incorporate the following into your daily routine:

Getting up: When rising, fling the duvet on to the floor and leave it there. As you walk from the bedroom to the bathroom (making sure you trample all over the duvet) leave a trail on the floor as follows: dressing gown, pyjama bottoms, pyjama top, slippers (optional).

Washing: It is vital to splash water everywhere, to leave the hot tap running, to leave your toothbrush in the wash basin after use and to forget to put the top on your aftershave. Towels should be left wet and crumpled on the floor. Do not spend less than 40 minutes in the bathroom.

Getting dressed for work: You must do this in a huge hurry and rifle through every drawer, pulling out the contents like a house burglar, cursing and huffing all the while. Then, when you find what you want - a creased shirt and a pair of crumpled trousers -- in a heap on a chair where you left them the night before, forget completely about the dishevelled drawers. Leave them exactly as they are.

Eating breakfast: Shove two pieces of toast in the toaster. Smear them with margarine, leaving the tub open on the table with the knife stuck in it. Eat while wandering around the house leaving crumbs everywhere, while constantly looking at your watch and cursing.

Leaving the house: Sprint out, forget your wallet, dash back, shout and curse, race out again.

Arriving home: Dump your bag(s), newspaper, scarf etc, on the nearest table, regardless of what is already on it.

Getting changed: Leave dirty shirt, socks etc, on and around the laundry bin, NEVER in it. Complain about the messy state of the house.

Making the evening meal: Spend two hours washing up seven pots beforehand, then argue with whoever lives with you over the time it's taking. At 10pm, stick a pizza in the oven.

Relaxing: Make certain that you ignore any efforts made by others to have a meaningful conversation about household issues such as mortgages and bills. Shout at others to be quiet when you want to watch something on the television, but talk incessantly when anything else is on.

Going to bed: Disappear upstairs, leaving it up to others to tidy away dirty crockery, wine glasses etc, to switch off lights and lock doors. Moan about being tired, having a sniffle, stepping on the aftershave bottle top in the dark, and not being able to find your pyjamas.

Close adherence to these rules will guarantee success. Volunteer, now!