WHILE the rest of the world yelled 'pants to poverty', Citizen Smith managed to escape the Red Nose epidemic.

It's not that Comic Relief is a bad thing -- those who selflessly give and raise money for charity deserve a pat on the back.

But rattling tins on estates like Ryelands or the Marsh, where poverty is a reality and not just a soundbite, can give an alarmingly distorted idea of this country's priorities. Isn't it the Government's job to make sure our children aren't living in poverty - not Ali G's?

Talented and attractive as Zoe Ball is, isn't feeding the starving in Africa is a task for the world's richest nations.

Wouldn't the assembled celebs be better off persuading the Government to deliver the goods?

But that's where the worthy celebrities get off the bus - when issues enter the messy, boring world of politics.

And darling, it's not good TV - we want Ainsley Harriet and the Iron Chancellor on Ready Steady Cook the Books.

These big fundraising shindigs aren't about solving problems, they are about papering over the cracks and giving the people taking part a warm, worthy glow. I guess it breaks the monotony of most people's working lives and can be turned into a good night out.

But the real winners are celebrity profiles, TV stations, the telephone companies who made millions on the night and, above all else, corporate Britain which pops a few pence into the charity box and basks in the reflected glory.

If those companies believed Comic Relief would change anything, they would never let it happen in the first place.

OK, I can hear the gnashing of teeth from those incensed at Citizen Smith's cynicism, and I admit, when all the pennies are counted they may well have raised £65 million for good causes. But just stop for a second and imagine a big cheque made out for one BILLION pounds!

That's the astronomical amount of money wasted by our Government on that pathetic millennium gesture, The Dome, all of which could have gone to good causes. You see - for 364 days a year - the poor, the disadvantaged, the homeless, starving foreigners and the sick are unfortunately regarded by many who have plenty as little more than a "nuisance."

Next year, why don't we have a Red Flag day where everyone goes on a sponsored walk to Westminster.

I'm sure the Government would be only too happy to write out a bumper cheque for good causes!