One Fort In The Grave - sixtysomething KEITH FORT's sepia-tinted take on life

I MAY have retired but I am currently under training. I am a trainee shopper, actually. Until recently, as far as shopping was concerned, I was a total novice.

My wife, on the other hand, with more than 50 years experience behind her, is an expert. What convinced me was, like hundreds of other experienced woman shoppers, she was forecasting the downturn in Marks and Sparks' fortunes long before the successors of either Marks or Spencer knew what was going to hit them. (Rather than thrashing about appointing highly-paid new executives, they could have just asked their traditional customers what was wrong).

I was the type of shopper who, if I HAD to shop, would draw up a list and do a sort of trolley dash around the supermarket, tossing in the requirements without thought, examination or price consideration. It is out of such as we that supermarkets make fortunes.

This, of course, quickly led to conflict on newly-retired joint shopping expeditions. So I agreed to on-the-job training if only in the interests of self-preservation and the avoidance of a cauliflower ear.

Boy! Did I have my eyes opened! It's a supermarket minefield out there. Do I simply chuck the nearest box of cornflakes into the trolley these days? No, I look at the price per 100 grams and go for the best deal. Do I leave the check-out confident that all those special offer prices couldn't be wrong? No, I scan my shopping list these days and find a surprising number of mistakes.

I have become a practised complainant.

Gradually, you become aware of supermarket practices that, whether accidental or deliberate, should have Trading Standards on their necks far more often. Practices such as: Supermarket No 1: 'Only 99p' was the welcoming sign in foot-high letters at the door of one supermarket above a sumptuous display of strawberries. £1.45 was charged at the check-out. A complaint to Customer Services had them marching round to the display where they pointed out a word in tiny writing in one corner of the 99p notice. It read 'Potatoes.' There wasn't a spud in sight.

Supermarket No 2: "40p off" was the sticker on every punnet of an inviting display of basil. No actual price visible. Charge at check-out: £1.45. "Can this be right?" I ask CS. Hidden by the basil leaves on the stall our store assistant finally found a price of 79p. "That can't be right. It was the price of smaller punnets (of which there were none) and these are larger ones. I can't find a price but it'll be right." And you're supposed to accept that.

Supermarket No 3: "Cherries £1.99." in nine-inch-high numbers above a crossed-out figure of £3.99. Good deal, I thought. Check-out price? £2.45 after they had weighed them at £4.38 per kilo. CS's explanation defied logic when shown the shelf price: "That's the price per Ib."

"It doesn't say so."

"Well, it does at the bottom left hand corner."

"But that says £3.99 per pound and it's been crossed out."

"Well, that's what it means."

"But you are charging per kilo not per pound." Shrug. "And what about the price for the same cherries on the shelf above of £2.99?"

"That's for a punnet."

"But there are no punnets - just bags of cherries like mine - and it doesn't even say per punnet."

I've discovered scores of examples like these.

Then there's the WOW! factor. Some supermarkets started putting up signs beginning Wow! every time they discounted a normal price. At first they were just on special offers. Then Wow! signs started to appear in lots of different locations accompanied by a price in large figures. Naturally we had been conditioned to accept this as a reduced price. But when you pulled away the Wow! sign, the price on the shelf was the same.

Then there are occasions you see special offer notices on everything from butter to yoghurts and when you check your bill you've been charged more. Why? Because the special offer DID apply to butter or yoghurt but to a different SIZED tub or packet, none of which is left on the shelf.

I have discovered scores of examples like this during training. It says only one thing to me. Either lots of people who used to shop like me are being ripped off, or Trading Standards are failing to adequately protect customers' interests.

I have not named the supermarkets involved in these few examples. Some are far worse than others in this respect and experienced shoppers will know which they are.

For those who don't - start training!