THE crocodile tears, the squirming sycophancy, the dreadful over-acting. Who would have thought that making it on to the telly would have been so hard.

ITV bosses, obviously so buoyed by the success of Popstars, have repeated the formula where they audition one million hopeless (and for the most part dreadful) wannabees and make them famous.

This time a part in Emmerdale replaces the prize of becoming a chart-topping pop band. Not really the same is it.

Not that the hordes of hopefuls who queued for hours - in some cases all night - seemed to mind. For them fame is fame is fame. No matter in what shape it comes. A worrying thought.

What beggars belief is that these celeb-junkies are more than willing to be humiliated by a panel of 'expert' judges (with the obligatory nasty element this time provided by producer Yvonne) in front of fellow idiots, I mean hopefuls, and in full view of the TV cameras. Absolute hell for those taking part. Great for us the viewers. And compulsive viewing.

There are some rough diamonds amid the motley crew who, with a bit of spit and polish, might just make a good soap character. But the best ones - for us the viewer - are the ones whose mums have obviously told them they can "do anything they put their mind to."

Acting just so happens not to be included. At one point I thought the Long Suffering Marjorie had flicked the channel to the World's Cleverest Ape, which was on the other side at the same time.

I quickly realised, however, that this was no chimp before me on my TV screen but, instead, some buxom Brummie hamming it up for the judges. "Next" came the cry.

I don't know why anyone would want to be an actor anyway, especially on a soap. And especially Emmerdale.

If you were going to get into the "business" - as many of the hopefuls kept calling it even though their day to day business was probably sweeping up fag ends from a pub floor - you might as well aim high.

Go straight for the films, never mind the small screen. And if you did end up on a soap, you'd have to go for EastEnders. Coronation Street has lost it over the years and Emmerdale is still playing catch-up.

On a novelty level Neighbours would be good to have on your CV. Or Shortland Street.

What most people don't realise is just how hard acting can be. You have to turn your emotions off and on like a tap. Be something you are obviously not. I told the LSM she would be a great actor. She just scowled.

I'm speaking from experience when I say this. I have seen it first hand. I've actually been on Emmerdale (yes really) and I've seen how a bunch of luvvies stand round idly chatting, before exploding with a huge shower of emotion when someone shouted action.

They felt no shame standing there, in front of all these people - cast, crew, extras (which I was) - pretending to cry, or shouting themselves hoarse.

And when the director said cut they all became normal. The only other time I had seen anything like that was when I went to a hypnotist's show in the local pub.

Every time the Great Hypno Harry said "onion" my mate started barking like a dog, and then knew nothing about it after.

Being on a soap is not what it's cracked up to be either - well not as an extra.

For the fleeting five minutes on screen, you have to hang around the studio for something like 10 hours.

Being on location is even worse.

You are hoarded on to a cramped bus like a bunch of convicts, and only called when you are needed.

You don't get to see the 'stars' or have a look what's going on.

Instead you are forced to listen to other extras trying to outshine each other with their credits.

"I did the Street the other week" boasts one. "Oh I don't do that any more, It's soooo not done" comes the retort.

If you're lucky and have a window seat you can play noughts and crosses in the steamed up windows. Convicts don't have pen and paper.

So, for what it's worth, you wouldn't find me joining the snaking queues for a shot at fame. I'd much rather stay in the background if it meant my dignity remained intact.

Still the money would be nice!