One Fort in the Grave, with KEITH FORT

THERE was a time when the test of a person's trustworthiness and reliability was summed up in the phrase: "Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?"

Nowadays, we could well ask: "Would you buy a new car on the strength of the TV adverts?"

Have you studied them lately? It's not just the occasional car advert that seems bizarre; they ALL do! Perhaps you don't even notice TV ads - and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't - but lately, as an entire category, new car adverts on the box have really appalled and perplexed me.

Maybe that is the intention. But if they are designed to tempt me to fancy one model above all others then I'm not impressed. It's as if the car advert designers all belong to the same club and are trying to outdo each other with the weirdness of their themes.

I have listed no fewer than 14 bizarre car adverts in recent weeks; not one of them actually telling you anything about the car itself, or its performance.

I think sometimes the ad men completely forget why we buy cars in the first place. They are trying to get us to buy one of the latest models, for example, by throwing in a free bike! ("For those short journeys where you don't need to use the car. It cuts down on road congestion, you see.) Great way to sell a car.

Then they're trying to flog you a model by throwing in a free walk-to-school plan, would you believe. Somehow I can't see myself buying a car for that reason, even if I did have kids at school.

There's an ad that tries to grab your attention by purporting to turn up the brightness on your TV until it finally disappears in a blinding whiteout. I don't know about selling you a car, I think this ad should come with a health warning, or, at the very least, a mobile TV engineer.

Then there's the envy ads, using the selling power of children, would you believe, quite besides encouraging snobbery and decidedly the wrong inclinations and behaviour in the young. These are the adverts where children consistently climb into the wrong cars after school just to impress their friends. When the drivers point this out, what do the advertising influencers have the kids saying? "Just shut up and drive!" That's the way to teach them.

There's even cars for DJs - if you believe the TV ads. You get three pals to join you in the vehicle and use all the gadgets, switches and controls to rap out a rhythm on four wheels - after all "what is technology without imagination". But does the thing drive?

Then we have the ads which seek to raise the human spirit, embark on inspirational Churchillian oratory only to end tamely with "307 is not just a number." What a let-down. To me it is just a number.

There are the plan daft ads - more about clever computer graphics than selling cars. We have models coasting down the main street accompanied by dolphins which is supposed to shift your expectations and indicate a new form of intelligence (what, in a car?). There again, some cars will drive through the waves towing water skiers or pull a paraglider along Route 66. But somehow, I don't quite think I'd be buying a car for such unlikely sports.

That's not the end of the recreation theme, though, because we have cars doing formation ballroom dancing, ferrying teams of pop singers or being driven by dogs (Who let the dogs out?) You might well ask - can you hear me Major Tom? This is supposed to be all about changing your scenery. Well, they couldn't quite say "Change your Scenic," could they?

If we never knew what goes on in those robot car- building factories we do now, with the mischievous robot caught doing its own Picasso paint job. What's it done to the engine when the cameras weren't looking, is what I'd like to know.

There are supposed to be cars so tough they can make you unwisely pinch someone else's chips, or lead your children to shelter in them in thunderstorms, and so attractive we leave our own special imprint in walls as we sit in adulation. The new Mini can even fight invaders from outer space! Some hopes.

But what not one of these adverts does is tell you anything about the car itself. Or whether it will do the most basic thing - get you from A to B. Now that would be an original advert.