"LET'S hope they are friendlier than the Scousers we met in the last round." Right, and Jordan is a role model for all young mothers.

Our visit in the Northern Cup to Penlake of St Helens (complete with its "Welcome to Hell" signs) turned into the biggest robbery since we had the wheel trims pinched off our minibus during last year's visit.

Facing a team full of college boys and fancy dans who seemingly fancied themselves as a team with loftier ambitions than facing Northern oils from Blackburn, we were subjected to 87 minutes of cheating, diving and verbal filth (even to the two under 10s who come to watch us) that would have graced the WWF. Couple that with a referee known strangely as "Sir" and the likelihood of coming away with a positive result was less than nil.

Defeat can be hard enough to swallow at the best of times, but with the first goal being five yards offside and the penalty award in the 86th minute confusing even the most vocal Penlake supporter the thought that perhaps we'd found the man who Neil Yates said didn't exist became all too apparent. Here was a referee who couldn't be classed as fair even if he had blond hair, his only concern being the home win. Ably assisted by two assistant homers we were playing against 14 men.

Still at least they invited us back to their pub. "Follow the man in the Mondeo -- he'll take you there." A quick trip through some back streets and one low bridge later our minibus was heading back home with its occupants still thirsty and hungry. Thank you everyone at Penlake -- the appeal is in the post.