I REMEMBER the summers when the days were long and the nights were tender. I also remember how great it felt to leave mosque at 7pm so I could get home just in time for the A-team.

Not that it was good to leave mosque but give me a break. I finish school at 3.30pm leaving me an hour and a half before I have to start mosque at 5pm. Alright, I got to watch my Dungeons and Dragons but what about Grange Hill?

Whilst sitting behind my graffiti ridden bench I would see the Molvi looking around to see who was talking or sniggering.

Every now and then you would get called to the front and if you didn't know anything you got whacked on your hand. The secret to not getting hurt was NOT to pull your hand away at the last second - take the pain otherwise the stick will hit your finger tips and that kills.

In the winter my friend would come in wearing gloves thinking the Molvi wouldn't notice. It didn't work then and doesn't today.

I got hit once because I didn't know my dads name. What kind of question is that to ask anyone? Dad's name is.........dad of course.

And there was always a kid who'd call his parents in to talk to the teachers - what a snitch. He'd get 'special' treatment after that because his modern family was too good for our mosque.

There was a thief among us once. He was nicking everyone's brand new shoes. Nobody ever found out who he was. It was only after one of the mosque committee members 'Bata' Jhuthees went missing did things get out of hand. The solution - to keep the front door shut.

Presentation days were great. All the parents would come in to see how much their sons and daughters had learnt about life and stuff. Unfortunately some of us still hadn't mastered the 'Patee'*.

One time I was truant from mosque during the World Cup but the Molvi sent someone to my house to check where I was. When the S*** hit the fan so did I, especially when they found out I'd been spending the Friday fees on 'Fab' Ice lollies.

*Patee: A plastic A5 sheet with the alphabet on it or 'Tupti' for our Gujarati readers.