WITH summertime back I have decided to do up the garden. Where I haven't plastered loads of tarmac I shall be mostly growing Dhanya this year.

The problem is I don't have any tools to do the job. I have a friend who has borrowed everything. This brother as he likes to be known was recently at my house 'borrowing' my wallpaper paste-up table last week.

Paste-up tables cost £10. The amount of petrol he's used to come to my house to check if I'm in equates to more than that. But it doesn't matter because for many it's the thrill of knowing you got something for free. Even if it means going to the other side of the country - it was free so it was worth it.

He then lends my paste-up table to his cousin and then to another friend. By the time the table came back to me, as well as being broken it looked like it had been to India and back.

Summer time is the worst time of year and YOU will get stung. Three months ago my carpet cleaner went, then my kettle and my screwdriver. All of which were exported to Pakistan for someone or other.

So you get shafted and what can you do...nothing that's what. The only other time you feel like that way is when your ten minute free view is rudely interrupted (so I am told).

When you go to the borrowers house to get your stuff back, he's never in and his wife pretends she doesn't know where he puts things. She's usually in on the scam most of the time too. And their front room is immaculate as is the rest of the house. No wonder, they don't spend their money on anything else.

When you go to Pakistan to their village, they always have a monster house. Because they've sent all the 'tool' money back there.

So instead of getting any work done you end up watching hour after hour of Bara Bhai. A truly pointless programme because they censor all the best bits.

Listen up slow down on those narrow streets this summer there's a lot of kids playing around. And what's the deal with chatting up people at traffic lights. I noticed a guy get out of a car and knock on the driver side window of some woman and ask for her number. She's really gonna give it you isn't she, stupid.