with KEITH FORT

NO doubt the announcement of the latest GCSE results will once again spark off the inevitable arguments about exams getting easier to accommodate the needs of the country as against pupils working harder and deservedly getting better results.

One aspect of examinations we rarely hear about are those answers which slightly miss the mark -- or the point.

However, teachers and examiners do occasionally compile lists of howlers stumbled across while marking the collective wisdom of their pupils' test efforts.

One such list has recently reached me and, without wishing to downgrade the efforts of our young hopefuls, here are some of the answers which teachers thought merited a second opinion.

First question: Name a British fish-eating eagle.

Answer: A flamingo.

Questions along the general knowledge theme proved particularly difficult for some. For example: Which breed of cattle has a white head? A. Sheep, goat and Shetland.

Give the names of two vaccines that Pasteur developed. A -- sheep and hamsters. What does the word Renaissance mean? -- Afterbirth

How was Germany punished for starting the First World War? A -- They weren't allowed to eat jelly babies.

In what year did the Gunpowder Plot take place? A. 1943.

Religion didn't escape pupils' misapprehension. When asked what a particular period in the English church was called, one examinee wrote: Reincarnation.

When asked to describe the different practices in religions another wrote: "Greek priests wave incense about and make smells like Catholics."

The history papers certainly highlighted where some main weaknesses lay.

What does the word Kaiser mean? A: A Japanese sniper.

Which battle took place during the Armada campaign? A -- The battle of Gracelands. Give reasons why the Romans invaded Britain in AD 43. A: To get revenge, for skins and leathers.

Name the town where Hadrian's Wall started. A -- Walnut on Solway.

Describe the kind of punishment that was called keel hauling. A -- Dragged under a sheep backwards.

Asked to describe surgery before the discovery of anaesthetics, one wrote: "Some doctors tried to do it as quick as possible to ease the pain but many chopped off the patient's vital parts in the process."

More incredible disclosures were revealed by the following answers:

Henry VII came to the throne in 1485 after the battle of Vietnam.

Michaelangelo is famous for lying on his back and the last judgement.

Henry VII was interested in war and married his brother's dead wife.

Queen Elizabeth had a bath every phew months.

A Roman house was supported by pillows.

Galilee was able to prove Copernicus' theory about plants going round the sun.

Lenin seemed very shy but came out of his shell later on when he ruled Russia.

Question: Do you think King Charles had a fair trial? Give a reason for your answer.

A. He did deserve what he got because he refused to take his hat off.