I have been mostly whizzing in the backstreets this month and whilst doing so I noticed we're quickly running out of space.

Gone are the days I could cycle down my back alley without coming across anything. Now you would find it hard to get to get through from one end to the other without coming across some sort of hindrance. Why? because you can take the man out of the pind (village) but you can't take the pind out of the man.

In fact it's not the men at all. It's the women of the house. Vegetable oil cans, mango skins, old bed settees, wedding decorations, milk bottles, nappies......the list goes on.

Well it's not our fault, the wheelie bins are too small. They fill up too quickly - what with the all the junk my mama brings from Pakistan when she returns.

She's been on her yearly trip again recently and returned with a crate of nice, juicy mangos. Most of them went bad on the flight and then stank my car out when I hit the M60. Eventually, we had to stop on the motorway and eat seven mangos each so they wouldn't go to waste.

Maybe we should save the mangos and throw them at all the brothers in their fast cars. What's the point of having a fast car wearing your champion sweatshirt and then zooming up and down my street, there's nothing to see on it And when your not zooming your cruising at two miles and hour...some of us have things to do you....like picking up the groceries.

And hey shopkeeper I know you're ripping me off when I go to buy my weekly gobi because you think I ain't got no culture in me. Just because my mum isn't there to haggle you down to ten pence doesn't mean you can charge me £1.50.

It's hard finding anything to buy for a quid these days even the chandah geezer won't accept less than a fiver.

You used to be able to give five pounds at a wedding and people thought you were loaded. Now the high rollers who live on the 'speedbump free' outskirts of my town waltz in and start dishing out £50.

Just because I can't find any parking at night because my neighbour's got ten cars and my backyard doesn't have any grass in it doesn't give you the right to push my weekly wedding expenses up.

Sort it out otherwise I'll be visiting a back alley near you.