THE eternal fight between good and evil continues but the conspiracy theory lives on.

It could be a death or a just a get together but if you want to know the truth you have to sit and LISTEN to the bunch of learned gentlemen who frequent my front room.

They know everything like how William Shakespeare was actually a guy called Shiekh Zuber or Shiekhs Peer and came over to Britain to work but couldn't find a proper job.

And how the local council is run by a bunch of freemasons who's job is to put more speedbumps in all the Asian areas.

The speedbumps have a hidden device in them that can tell the secret service about how many times you leave your home and visit the library.

When someone gets an extension theres always a link somewhere down the line.

The bloke's house was set to be knocked down but he knew this guy who knows this other guy in the council who sorted a kitchen extension out for him.

Thus, the house is no longer on the danger list and can now house an extra fifteen to sixteen people.

There's also the one about the acclaimed film actress Babra Sharif and the Arabs...which we won't go into.

Then there's the one about the mental state of people. She's not depressed she's possessed. She needs to be taken to a guy who in return for fifty pounds will exorcise the demons. If he doesn't do it the first time he'll do it at the fifteenth attempt because that's the magic number.

If you are a man you could lie down on the floor and have it beaten out of you with a chappal....it's all good.

The link is the key to everything. Cha Cha gee's got a brand new motor.

His missis has a brother who's a solicitor...he knows this guy who runs a group...they get funding from the national lottery...they had some money left over so decided to buy the solicitor a motor....he's already got one...so he gave to his sister...who can't drive...so Cha Cha's got a new pimp mobile....simple really.

My favourite has to be the one about the hidden chamber beneath Pendle Hill where they keep all the biggest chooza eaters. It's to stop them attending any more weddings.

I think I may have hit the nail on the head somewhere because I can see a couple of men in black at my front door.

They're probably here to take me to that island where everyone's a number.....I haven't even told you about the American Government yet....those sons of...