First of all I would like to invite everyone out there to the biggest party of the month.....it's happening at Caesars Palace, Vegas later this month and it's called 'I got an attitude now ever since I got my visa .'

The Asylum seekers have got it hard so the last thing they want is a member of the fresh community telling them they shouldn't be here. It confuses me somewhat. In fact they shouldn't have anybody telling them they shouldn't be here....what you own this island do ya? Like hell you do!

The 'sub-urban Asian' should keep it shut too. Just because you have parking space and laminated floorings doesn't mean I got to listen to long words and all about your 'great job'.

The only thing worse than a brother with a bad attitude is a member of the BNP in his cheap suit and dodgy haircut who thinks he has all the answers to the problems of the universe. So you think the Asians get all the money....what money? We weren't told there was any money up for grabs. Or for that matter of fact any EEC free butter. (Which by the way there isn't because I got my cousin to check).

So now that we've got that sorted let us begin with the Cricket World Cup. It's been a long time coming....I was 57 the last time we got walloped in the final..now I look 85. Whilst the women of the house will be running for cover most of the guys will be settling down for 55 matches. Matches that last a whole day. For those of us who don't do any work at least we have something to do now. It's far better than walking around town all day window shopping.

Watching a game of cricket from start to finish is impossible. It has been done though and I've even got a friend who tapes everything...yes the whole nine hours...he watches it again the next day. ...I worry about him sometimes.

But for most of us we can't do it because of the constant 'favours' women always want - 'Drive me to the fashion shop', 'the atta's (flour) run out', 'We need some more ghosht', 'can I watch an Indian movie?', 'I don't feel well', 'My shalwar kameez doesn't fit me anymore', 'taste this', 'There's something wrong with the door bell', ''Don't invite any of your friends round and if they do come over tell them they have to take their shoes off...and Asif is barred from this house because he always stays for dinner' and so on. My mama never used to say anything.

And don't ever invite the crew down to the house when the cricket or football is on because I've noticed people have no respect for clean houses anymore. Some people just eat like pigs and leave a mess next to where they were sat. They also have a habit of spilling tea all over my bed settee.

When it's over I don't have anything to do...I try going back to my 'Town patrol' but someone's taken my place...and he's brought seven of his mates with him.