It's official we hate ourselves more than we hate anyone else. Well...I do anyway and this month I'm taking no prisoners.

For instance if an Asian bloke tries to sell you something you automatically think the guy is trying to rip you off. If a non-Asian does it we think we're getting a bargain.

Shopping is the same...I want a discount at Abduls but not at Debenhams.

I go to an event and what happens? - the local rude boys kick-off...usually over a girl. Now there's kick-offs then there's Asian kick-offs. Half the population of the town automatically descends upon the scrap. Where do they all come from? Only two people are fighting but twenty are holding those two back.

I don't want to live in my own neighbourhoods anymore...do you know why? Because we just **** everything up that's why. The neighbour talks about me...the guy with the taxi always parks in my spot....there's nowhere for my kids to play and the chandah geezers won't leave me alone.

You don't see speed bumps being put up elsewhere in town because people like me love driving fifty mph just to make a point. The smack dealers are the worst of the bunch. They pretend to be so sincere and trustworthy in front their families....making you look like a fool.

Everytime I speak to some over-educated woman in her twenties...it always starts off with "I don't mind staying out late with you but I ain't doing nothing else because I'm really strict about stuff like that." What the hell does that mean?...yes?...no?...maybe?...does she want me to buy her another kebab?

And have you ever noticed when you go into an Indian restaurant the brothers never serve you time...they take ages. Just because I'm not willing to buy a starter I get treated differently.

When I want something badly I can always use those immortal lines... "...but we're on the same side...we can work together...we should be one.... " It works everytime...until I meet someone who holds the same view I do. Then we just talk and nothing ever gets done.

And racism...boy there's racism...you try marrying someone who's not your nationality...never mind that she has to be from the same square mile as you.

I love setting up committees about everything....I want to get on my mosque committee even though I only go there on Eid. But when someone else wants to get on it I'll make damn sure he doesn't get in. It's a matter of principle you see.

If you ain't a part of my clan...unfortunately I am never going to vote for you. People say you shouldn't say never ...well I'm saying NEVER!.