NEVER mind Sailor, Beware! This should have been called, Audience, Beware!

I've never seen such a lot of tosh in my life -- and frankly I pity the cast that had to work with this lame script by Philip King and Falkland Cary.

In a nutshell, it's the 50s. Girl agrees to marry sailor but her mother hates him, in fact hates everybody. Marriage goes horribly wrong. But true love wins through and mother does a far-fetched U-turn to become everyone's best mate.

Perhaps the production will 'bed down' from when I saw it on Tuesday night (June10). And I did admire Samantha Hughes who with only two days' rehearsal stepped in for Ruth Madoc as tyrannical mother-in-law Emma Hornett, after the Hi-De-Hi star withdrew on medical grounds.

But Hughes' Emma just had too much buzz and not enough sting. She wasn't alone -- the whole production was played with so much aggression in the first half that the humour was battered out of it and I was desperate to get away at the interval.

The only high point right before the break was a 'two blokes forced to share a bed' routine -- played to comic effect by the sailor of the title, Albert (Christopher Hackett) and his best man Carnoustie (George Telfer).

After the interval, the production seemed to consist of shouting, characters explaining to each other at length what we already knew (whatever happened to dramatic irony?) and more squealing and shouting.

It wasn't all bad. There were good individual performances, especially from Jo Castleton as the delightfully coquettish Daphne Pink and her beau-to-be, gentle Scot Carnoustie Bligh (Telfer).

Jennifer Marriott -- who incidentally also stepped in last minute as the result of the cast reshuffle -- was amusing as nosy neighbour Mrs Lack, with a nice line in facial expressions.

And it's fair to say the production got better after the interval -- the audience certainly perked up and laughed more.

It would be a shame to think of rep not making a comeback to The Grand after this year's experimental three-week run. But unless you're stuck in a 50s timewarp (and I could think of worse places to be), Sailor Beware! will not be for you.

Sailor, Beware! runs at the Blackpool Grand Theatre until Saturday. For tickets phone the box office on 290190.

review by Nikki Masters