with the Rev Kevin Logan, Vicar of Christ Church, Accrington

HER arms rise up as if in surrender. It means nothing of the sort. Lois, my 14-month-old grand terrorist is warning that if I don't immediately pick her up, she'll blow my brains out -- with skull-piercing screams.

Already, she's developing more lethal weapons of minder destruction. Herr Grandma, chief United Minders Weapons Inspector, has detected signs of a megaton tantrum.

This works on the cluster-bomb principle, with food/toy missiles exploding from a scything welter of arms and legs.

Of course, these WMDs lie well camouflaged behind innocent eyes and a three-toothed grin and so long as grandpa bows to assume slave crane role and lift said grand terrorist to accustomed heights, all is peace.

Once elevated, mobility is achieved via the royal point: a podgy arm waves towards her curiosity. Any delay threatening whimpers.

This battle of Gulf proportions is Will War One and we minders are massively outgunned by this precious, precocious bundle of joy and dictatorship, who proves beyond doubt the existence of Original Sin.

Her best weapon is divide and conquer. Any minder caught using anti-social behaviour is posted as the enemy. Those who bow to her will are rewarded with smiles and reaching arms.

Grandpa is flavour of the moment. He's only said 'no' once. Will Grandpa love her enough to say 'no' and mean it? Or love himself and allow the child freedom to develop her true inner self as a fully-rounded human brat?

Next exciting episode soon.