ONLY a woman could shop for every single day of the week and not feel as if she'd just wasted seven days in her life.

After a week doing just that I have decided never to go shopping ever again.

People say you should never say never. Well I'm saying never!

Getting moved on for chatting to a couple of friends is all very well but maybe they should have security guards in all town centres who help the poor fellas who just don't want to go shopping with their wives or partners.

The whole experience is so mundane and boring that in London it is now possible for a woman to hire a man to accompany her on her weekly shopping trips. A great idea.

All he has to do is agree to everything the woman says, carry the bags and imagine he's having a good time.

And whenever she goes into a clothes shop he merely has to stand around pretending not to look 'out of place' in the bra section. Rather him than me!

Gone are the days when I had to carry home 10 Tesco bags each laden with three cola bottles.

Through the wind and rain six of us would walk sheepishly behind my mum each carrying enough groceries and shopping to feed 100 wedding guests.

And God forbid if someone was going abroad the week later otherwise Susan from the market was having the sale of the century.

With the invention of the car, or should I say when I learnt to drive, I thought the weekly trip to the shops would become easier.

How wrong I have been.

It's just a licence for 'her in charge' to load you up with even more stuff.

You wander through the aisles of any supermarket and everything is the same. Now the mums have been replaced by the wives.

The wives make every decision as to what to buy and arguments ensue when the bloke picks up 16 packets of Wotsits.

I saw one guy who started sulking and rolling around on the floor because his missus wouldn't let him buy any strawberry ice-cream.

His wife pulled him by the arm but his legs just turned to jelly.

And so to the fashion shops.

Never did I see so many guys in one place wishing they were dead. 'I want to try this dress on but I hate the colour', said one woman. What the hell does that mean?

Don't ask us about texture and fittings, we don't know and we don't care.

The problem with most fashion shops is that they are too small.

If a guy waits around for too long he doesn't have anywhere to stand.

If clothes shops really want to have a mega sale simply install a TV and a Playstation in a corner and we'll all be there in a flash.