It isn't the film that really matters, it's the going out and having something to do.

Those wise words were passed on to me by a good friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous.

OK his name is Amir and he lives on Azalea Road.

I'm sick of being a parkie and my mates have got wise and don't let me into their front rooms any more.

So when on day release the cinema is one of very few places I can go.

At least they don't have that rigorous age testing procedure they apparently used when I was young. It may have only been a rumour but it stopped me going to the cinema till I was 18.

You finally find out there's a movie you want to watch and drive miles to the cinema.

Once there, you rush to get some good seats.

Great, the ads have finished, which by the way, seem to be longer than the feature presentation these days.

Then it starts...not the movie but the irritating crunching noise from the group of girls who bring buckets of popcorn and king-size bags of cheese and onion crisps.

I think they should ban crisps from all cinemas and anybody seen or heard eating any should be quietly told to leave the place. It's just not worth the fiver.

The aunties are in the house too. Her kids won't shut up and she's brought a load of stuff from home for everyone. She spends the next 15 minutes unwrapping them one by one and dishing them out to members of her family.

The guys ain't no better. One of them has to make a smart remark every two minutes about how great the music is and how he doesn't get the story line, especially when there's a Bollywood movie on.... what do you need to know? Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy sings a song, girl sings a song, someone dies, someone cries, everyone goes home happy.

Much like the string of J Lo efforts of late.

The thing is, if it is a Bollywood movie you are going to watch you have to sit through three hours -- and that's if you are lucky. I did hear someone say once they used to manage three Indian movies in a row in the seventies.

It is still possible but they watched Sholay (a classic Bollywood film made in 1976 which still shows to packed houses in India) three times.

When the place is packed though you feel you have to have a spare seat either side of you. And nothing else matters.

I hate the people who put their jackets on the seat next to them pretending they're waiting for someone. OK, it keeps the 'undesirables' away but what about the rest of us.