SOS, Waterloo and Knowing Me Knowing You. Great tracks, some might say, but don't play them in the health centre waiting room.

What are you trying to do? For a minute we're all joyful because Mama doesn't know you're out, then Fernando just hammers home the sad truth. If you are going to do that why not play a twenty-minute Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan Qawalli. That's so much better.

Not someone who rushes to the doctors at the first sign of a sniffle, I was forced to go recently.

I can understand everyone wants some reassurance now and then, so the doctor is probably the best guy to give it, but some people must just be taking the mick.

For instance, the gentleman sat next to me had gas. I have no idea what gas is and whether it is life threatening or not. So I set about asking him. "Well," said the man, "I kind of have this feeling inside me that all is not well."

"And?" I replied.

"That's it really. I think It might be due to me drinking too much cola."

"What does the doctor say about your gas?" I continue.

"He's told me to drink less cola and exercise more."

"And how many times have you been to see him?"

"Oh, this is my fifth time now."

The lady opposite me whispers to her husband that maybe she might have that too - and she'll add it to the list.

Minutes later another couple walk in. They seem perfectly fine until their name is called at which point the man develops a slow limp and the woman begins to cough repeatedly.

As they leave the doctor's room, all of sudden everything is mysteriously OK again.

Hey, it is understandable if you are ill, some things in life are unavoidable but in the olden days (that's the 1980s to me) you only went to the doctors if you had a life-threatening illness.

Old Bertha who lived down the street from me was 77 and she never went to the doctors at all. She could walk up Bromley Street without even breaking sweat.

Now every Tom, Dick and Chaudrhy is suffering from some illness or another.

Even my fellow football players are suffering from the same 'mystery' illnesses.

No longer will a footballer play at any cost.

By the way, I was given a clean bill of health by the doctor who said I had the blood pressure of an athlete. I bet he says that to everyone.