Our tongue-in cheek predictions for the next 12 months. THIS month the showbiz world is rocked when one of its most rock-solid couples - Ant and Dec - announce they are splitting up.

Dec immediately wrests control of the Geordie duo's pop hits and, in a move many see as petty, reverses the recording credits of Let's Get Ready to Rumble to read Dec and Ant.

Meanwhile Ant jets off to the Australian outback with his new presenting pal, David Attenborough, to film the latest series of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

In February a chance visit to Colne sees David Beckham bewitched by the bargains at Boundary Mill and begging for a free transfer to Burnley. Manager Stan Ternent ensures his new midfielder has a low-key start to his Clarets career by deploying him on the bench, where he remains for three months.

Meanwhile, Linda Barker is named the new National Lottery presenter and disaster strikes I'm a Celebrity when immigration officials refuse to allow evicted contestants Jordan and Peter Andre to return to the UK. They are placed on a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean while the matter is sorted out.

In March Victoria Beckham launches a new TV show - Posh Idol. Over the course of 10 weeks viewers see the former Spice Girl perform songs in 10 different styles, including pop, jazz, classical and mime, and vote for the one they like best. Posh hopes the winning act will go straight into the charts at number one.

Meanwhile, Linda Barker takes over Newsnight and Nicole Kidman is cruelly dumped by boyfriend Lenny Kravitz. Nic bemoans the fact she's once more a single mum struggling to bring up two kids on a paltry Hollywood income and is immediately awarded the Oscar for best actress.

April sees Posh Idol cut short mid-series, thanks to public pressure. Viewers unanimously declare Victoria's mime act to the be winner and, although it fails to land her a number one, she does get a job entertaining tourists outside the Louvre in Paris.

Blackburn Rovers field a mysterious, long-haired Italian striker with international connections, whose goals see them shoot up the table to battle with Chelsea and Man United for the Premiership title.

In May Linda Barker takes over the BBC, changes its name to the Barker Broadcasting Corporation and fills the schedules with non-stop Changing Rooms repeats. However, most licence-payers barely notice the difference.

Burnley avoid relegation when Beckham is finally brought off the bench to score a hat-trick in the dying seconds of the season. Meanwhile, Blackburn land the Premiership title after their star signing, revealed as none other than Sven's other half Nancy Dell' Olio, puts five past Man United. Graeme Souness claims it could have been six if she hadn't got her stilettos stuck in the mud.

June sees disappointment yet again for British fans at Wimbledon as Tim Henman is revealed to be a Thunderbirds-style puppet operated from the commentary box by Boris Becker. The German admits he took a cruel delight in raising British hopes year after year, only to dash them in the semi-finals.

In July Bart, Homer, Marge and Lisa are aghast when new Sky TV boss Linda Barker redesigns their sofa then tries to sell it.

In August Kate Moss is furious when photographers catch her cavorting naked on a Butlins break. Luckily, the paparazzi are foiled and Kate's modesty preserved when her size six frame is obscured, thanks to a strategically-placed EU flagpole.

In a cabinet reshuffle, Linda Barker is named minister for interiors.

September sees Michael Jackson join the cast of Sesame Street. Despite protests, Wacko Jacko insists there's nothing wrong in sharing a bed with Bert and Ernie.

In October, I'm a Celebrity is revealed as the saviour of ITV with 15 million viewers tuning in every night to watch Jordan, Stan Collymore and Peter Andre adrift in the Pacific.

Facing up to the threat of global domination from Linda Barker, the Blairs bring in What Not To Wear presenters Trinny and Susannah as their fashion advisors. Trinny tells Tony to get a haircut and adopt a more conservative image. Tony jumps at her last suggestion, admitting that's what he's been trying to do for years.

In December, following the success of previous celebrity boxing encounters, Linda Barker's Sky TV sets up a gladiatorial-style contest between Girls Aloud's Cheryl Tweedy and Dotty and Florence, the Princess Royal's bull terriers. Tragically, Cheryl wins and immediately releases another single that goes straight to the Christmas number one.